Giles Coren Has No Idea

As the Archbishop of Canterbury resigns Giles asks the key question - does anyone care? Following Donald Trump’s election victory there is a rumour doing the rounds that some rich celebrities plan to leave the US for Britain. Do we want them, does anywhere want them? Might they be in for a surprise with the reality of modern London not quite matching the dream… How does one deal with a moth infestation? Top tip: cedar wood, moth balls or sue the house seller for 30million pounds! Finally, what do you get if you cross a Slovenian girl done good, chat GPT and a White House? A FLOTUS memoir – simples! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What do Kamala Harris and QPR have in common? Giles and Esther react to the breaking news that Donald Trump is back as the American President. They ponder the reasons and how to break the news to a despondent teenager. Any mood can be lifted by a good cheese trolly, some people can even build a career off the back of a cheese trolly. Can being married also keep one chipper? Depends on who you’re married to! Finally, if you own an air fryer it might be spying on you – it’s your own fault. And what is a double dip..? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Is Kemi Badenoch rude, or just straight talking? Esther has changed her ways and now plays a very polite tactical game; Giles on the other hand takes too much pleasure in expressing his true feelings in glorious technicolour. Who cares if its rude. It’s all change at British Airways as they switch from lunch to brunch on many flights; Esther isn’t sure what all the fuss is about… How do you get a nickname and what does it say about you if you don’t have one? Pee-the-pants and Pester discuss. After the break the decline of the golden arches. As McDonalds’ sales dip Giles considers where the burger giant is going wrong. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tomorrow is the big day! Budget Day looms, and we're bringing you a special feature from The Times' brand new show: Feel Better About Money. In her inaugural money chat, Holly Mead is talking about budgeting and the budget. She looks at the many different aspects of money to help you make better financial decisions about pensions, mortgages, investments. With so many suggestions, rumours and supposed leaks about the upcoming budget, what should we be preparing for now and how? Find the new show here: https://shows.acast.com/times-money. Regular Giles programming to resume later in the week. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are Sir Keir Starmer and Angela Raynor following in the footsteps of The Coren's builders – telling you how bad the previous tradesmen were? Who is in charge around here? Giles has a boomer bee in his bonnet and wonders if they’re just struggling to accept their waning influence in society. He takes to the comments to do battle; but he certainly doesn’t call them c…. ! Ozempic may be a miracle drug for those overweight, but it is a killer for restaurants. Fear not Esther can save the day. Would you pass a ‘real world’ maths test? Would you pass a dad maths test? Time to find out… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All change this week as The Corens are having work done – brick work not cosmetic work. As a result, they have decamped to someone else’s house…it prompts discussion about interior decor and the ‘Sandbanks House Wars’ where multi-millionaires are competing to build the grandest home. It turns out Christopher Columbus was Jewish; unfortunately, now he has been branded imperialist and racist its 500 years too late for Giles. Is there anyone else that is going to be dumped on the Jewish community? After the break, who are the nicest and nastiest celebs that Giles and Esther have ever met? Mostly uncensored. **One of Brian Clough’s autobiographies was titled ‘Cloughie: Walking on Water.’ In reference to a song the Nottingham Forest fans used to sing about him. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There are only three weeks left to audition for the new HBO Harry Potter series, sadly for Giles his best wizarding days are behind him, but he has high hopes for his son. In fact, at fifty-five are most of his best days behind him? Who knows, he’s too old to care. But he does know what goes best with a square of dark chocolate… “There is no such thing as ‘man flu’” says Giles, but then he goes on to say lots of other things which Esther has more of a problem with. Finally, a great new dating app for the Catholic church and…something else, no its gone, I can’t remember. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week officious staff at the national gallery leave a bad impression. Daniel Craig seems to be sporting the latest in parachute wear; the former Bond stars look reminds Giles of an ill-fated inventor in Paris over a hundred years ago. After the break it’s sober-October and what’s in a name? When it comes to Prostate cancer quite a lot it would appear. Giles tries to re brand the most common male cancer. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Three questions: 1) What constitutes modern art? A sieve without a handle, a misshapen squash? Esthers patience with the Turner Prize has reached its limit. 2) What’s the difference between a banana and a phone? ...what's a banana? 3) What’s the first rule of customer relations? The customer is always a tw@t. Plus, the positives of Oxbridge sliding down the university league tables. And saving the best till last, look out for Giles and Esther’s absolutely fabulous Jane Horrocks impressions. ** Contains strong language from the start Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What is a freebie, how do you get them and do you have to pay tax? A tale of two particular freebies this week, interspersed with a collection of Giles and Esthers own freebies from the past. While Lady Starmer has fallen foul of some members of the press for her new dresses, Eamonn Holmes has been scoffed at for taking his lady friend on a cruise. Esther and Giles have sympathy, freebies aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and anyway they’re part of the business, aren’t they… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Giles and Esther are thrilled to be back from their long summer break, well Esther is. And there is so much to talk about; Keir Starmer has taken a truth serum, but is that what people want? Donald Trump went face to face with Kamala Harris in an animalistic US presidential debate. The weight loss drug Ozempic is now being offered to children and Greggs have launched a range of footwear. The world is still mad. But fear not, take joy in the simple things, just like Giles and Kitty on the way to school… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Giles and Esther send a quick note from their holidays. They'll be back and raring to go next week. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A new dawn has broken, has it not… well something like that. Giles and Esther channel their inner Nostradamus to predict last night’s results. If, as assumed Sir Keir becomes PM, what does it mean for his family? Giles considers penning an ode to Kentish Town and all that the Starmers will leave behind. As Sir Keir awaits his big result, Giles is waiting for his own important phone call, but its from the NHS so who knows when it will come, today, tomorrow…never. Rumours abound of very underhand tactics being planned within the parental whats app groups of certain private schools. Will it be enough to change Labour policy? Amidst the big news a smaller but perhaps more meaningful event, the closing of a chapter in the Coren household. When dealing with the emotional toll of children growing up, who better to turn to than A. A. Milne or F. Scott Fitzgerald? Finally, women are better at espionage than men…how else did Dame Judi make it to be head of MI6..? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Giles is feeling bright and breezy, and it’s all thanks to Ether. For once he took her advice and tried the latest ‘wonder drug’ Naltrexone. What would have otherwise been a night of drunken excess instead turned into a night of charitable excess. He is a convert. Sadly, neither he nor Esther have made any money out of their pharmaceutical evangelism. Keir Starmer has exposed the latest ‘get out of jail free card’ for those in public life: ”I’m changing it from the inside.” Seeing it for the cop out that it is they wonder what else could be changed from the inside...? If one wished to be pale, male and stale, how would one go about it? Giles has all the tips you’ll need. Esther indulges her love of low-level pettiness and offers it to the listeners for those who share her joy of pointless tiny battles. Finally, a look at the spat between David Tennant and Kemi Badenoch and the effects of success guilt. ** The ambient sounds were out in force this week, with the doors open on a very hot day we had the sound of local children, a workman using an angle grinder and as always, the birds. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In response to a survey suggesting people are turning away from the news Giles and Esther pander to the masses and happily look past the obvious headlines. Who or what constitutes a working man? As the blue and red parties scabble to attract anyone who earns a living Giles is temporarily bewitched by the endless tax breaks on offer from the Reform party. His conscience kicks in but with his new found knowledge of the candidates he does a ‘who said what’ quiz for Esther. Little House on the Prairie - an idyllic serene country existence…? Not so fast! If you survive the warring factions on the plain and the syphilis you’ve still got to fight off the cowboys. Perhaps not the best example of the past to offer to children. Giles and Esther consider some better examples, and more pertinent advice for the young people of today. Lastly, could it really be true that privately educated children are thinner in middle age than their state educated counter parts? Of course not, Esther is suitably exasperated. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Esther is front page news after writing about a drug which helps with alcoholism…unusually she hasn’t just written about naltrexone, she’s tried it. It leads to a discussion about the results of alcohol abuse within different economic groups. As ever the Germans are ahead of the game, they’ve decided to only sell England football fans low alcohol beer. Rishi Sunak has once again shown his gift for the uncommon touch; Giles thinks he shouldn’t be let lose without a minder. What is the point of going to university? Giles and Esther disagree, but both can see the endless benefits of going to boarding school. Bring back kids TV, so says Russel T Davis. Esther likes the idea but what would one bring back, TISWAS, Swap Shop or Going Live? Finally, as protests sweep the nation Giles has a cunning idea, a protest against his own podcast… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Stephen Fry has upset the ruddy faced members of the MCC; it has left Giles awkwardly fiddling with his box as he balances his desire to join the MCC with his admiration for Mr Fry. No such trouble with Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak who come in for equal disdain. Was it a debate or a barrister and a banker meeting at the school gates? Or a special episode of Numberwang…? The debate slid to one side Esther and Giles consider a throbbing question; What are the most annoying ‘corporate speak’ phrases? Low hanging fruit, blue sky thinking…? Whichever it is, Giles and Esther are about to smut them up for you. Esther thinks Giles has a big one, Giles thinks it is actually quite small, certainly not as big as Fergie’s. Thank goodness the late Queen Elizabeth insisted Fergie parade hers in public… After all the saucy talk Esther needs a stiff drink…but not on a plane. Finally, its back to the election as Rishi Sunak enlists Tom Cruise into his campaign team… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Giles and Esther are away this week. In their absence here is a short collection of recent highlights. Giles faces a late fitness test. Esther takes the AA road quiz. And why won't flying taxis go south of the river...? Hope you enjoy them. Please do like and share and we’ll see you next week. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

** This episode was recorded just before Prime Minister Rishi Sunak called the election; please sit back and bask in an election free zone. Has Kevin Costner got better with age? Esther thinks so. She also ranks his film ‘Robin Hood Prince of Thieves’ as the best of all time, unlike his current project – Horizon: chapter one. In a spooky premonition Giles stars in his own vanity project; a gripping drama about a snap election, an assassination and an ageing dad being called up to save the ashes. A new sex themed Italian restaurant has opened in Milan, Giles does not want to know what the specials are! Despite the recent tragic events statistically air travel is still very safe…just don’t board a plane built by the NHS and run by the Post Office. Whatever the plane, the 'Campden People’s Theatre' will be flying first class, but they’d love to mix with those in the cheap seats… Finally, it’s time to prepare! Never mind the election we’re talking pandemics, learn from lock down - more pasta and hummus, less toilet roll. If you’re wondering what the pitter patter in the background is, that’ll be the rain. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Artist Jonathan Yeo has painted luminaries such as Tony Blair, David Cameron and most recently the King. He has also painted Giles (twice) and Esther’s sister. As old friends of Jonathan, Giles and Esther are well placed to guide the philistines of Instagram through his artistic talents. Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is seeking to reassure the nation that all is well in the UK. Unfortunately, his lacklustre writing style is the least of his problems; he has an 800 year old tax rebate and a batty flautist to sort out first. A new carrot and carrot approach to the obesity crisis is showing positive results. Are incentives the way forward to change behaviours…? How much to make people pronounce semaglutide correctly…? Finally, Giles gets in touch with his feminine side in the swimming pool, once he has buried his acorns… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.