Kagro in the Morning

What happened when the U.S. failed to prosecute an insurrectionist ex-president? Well, we already failed to prosecute Jefferson Davis, the President of the Confederacy. So, what happened? It’s a long story… which happens to be David Waldman’s specialty, especially for Friday KITMs. It turns out even that story wasn’t long and involved enough to stand up to a full two hours of Kagro scrutiny. So, we brought in a recorded segment from Seth Chipman, entitled “What Hamas Promises, Iranians Know Too Well”. But wait, there’s more! Police in Nepal have detained 10 people that they say had soaked unemployed youths for huge amounts of money, to then ship them off to the Russian army. With the defeat of Russia by the Japanese in the Russo-Japanese War, Black intellectuals in the U.S. saw that White hegemony was not invincible. Ceci n'est pas une “beignet”? The French line up at Krispy Kreme. Is it “ennui”? “Ironie”? Or, just “yummy”?

David Waldman awoke from his long winter’s nap this Hanukkah Eve morning to activate the mighty KITM World Headquarters bank of computers. One of those slept in until about 9:02. Greg Dworkin, punctual as ever, actually managed to sleep after witnessing the best the Gop has to offer in their final presidential debate. 4 losers entered the debate stage last night. 4 losers left at the end. Nikki Haley didn't remotely win then, and has no chance of winning now, but did lose the least. Sentimental favorite Chris Christie delivered accountability and culpability to the debate, and you can guess how that went. The winner, of course was the party’s biggest loser, Donald Trump, whom it would be pointless to debate as he is not running for president. The Donald is presently putting together a staff portfolio more appropriate to hang in a post office, or perhaps a service station outside a piazza. Still, even though he’s probably just being sarcastic, Trump continues to claim that he is “a candidate”. Hopefully the Colorado Supreme Court can explain that joke. Trump tells his followers to stand back, stand by, get ready to ram the ramparts and guard the vote. You may recognize the candidate for George Santo’s now empty congressional seat by all the red circles pointing him out on January 6. Had this guy known Congress was a thing, he would have run for office long ago. What insurrectionist will get Kevin McCarthy’s old office? How about Matt Gaetz’s? Now, Nevada Gops are being charged with felonies for being fake electors. Want to know more? Just ask Kenneth Chesebro. As long everyone is mad at them, Republicans figure they might as well cut funding to Ukraine, and maybe abolish Obamacare. You know who we should elect for President? Joe Biden. And now that they got their bonuses, US retail lobbyists can quit their shoplifting gang stories.

Against all odds, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin have returned for Wednesday’s KITM. (The odds were actually pretty good.) Donald Trump doesn’t sound like a guy who wants to be president, which of course he never has. Trump has always wanted to be a dictator, but this time Donald hopes to be less inept at becoming one. Kash Patel already has a truckload of jackboots ordered from Temu. Donald promised Sean Hannity that he’d use only the tip of his dictatorship this next time, but if he only had his Luger on him back in 2020, things would’ve been different. Greg assures us that there are reasons for hope in these bleak times. For one thing, there is Taylor Swift. Joe Biden may be no rizz goblin, but he makes do, at least for those who prefer data over vibes. Meanwhile, Kenneth Chesebro will take his stool on the road to pigeon for election interference investigators in Nevada and Arizona. Once a “hellraiser”, North Carolina’s Patrick McHenry looked around the House and realized that his mission had been accomplished. Kevin McCarthy can tell when he’s not wanted. Tommy Tuberville may be stupid, but no, he’s just stupid. Apparently, Israel... kind of had their world-renowned military and intelligence attention, uhm, elsewhere when partying peaceniks got massacred, which ironically... and effectively... spurred a series of the largest retaliatory strikes in the area’s history. Norman Lear, writer/director of one of my favorite (and Gen Z’s most incomprehensible) movies, Cold Turkey, has most productively filled 101 years.

David Waldman counts down the days… and doesn’t find a lot. 2015! That’s when I signed my million-dollar contract to write summaries for KITM. (It wasn’t stipulated over what span of time we were talking.) We were heading into an election that year too, but that one was just some low stakes affair. This year is different. 2024 brings us Republican candidate Donald Trump, well known philanderer, fraudster and cad. And worse, lately Trump has been considered an “agent of chaos” who fully intends to put the dick back in dictatorship, and even the media has become concerned. Will voters be more concerned than they were in 2015? Well, pardon them if they don’t. They will also need to show $2 million up front, not the 0.6% that Rudy Giuliani paid his “secret” employees. Did anyone thank Bob Menendez for recovering 4 gold bars from a 2013 robbery? They might, had Bob divulged it. Would you believe that James Comer finally has got the goods on Joe, or Hunter, or anyone? It doesn’t matter, that’s not the point. Joan McCarter is here to report DC still sucks, mostly over in the House, but also in the Senate, where Tommy Tuberville demanded that something be done about the shameful obstruction of military promotions. At least Dick Durbin got to senate a bit. If Gops can’t figure out how to fund our nation, how do you think they are doing on Ukraine?

A relative of David Waldman makes it out to 104! Congratulations! That is quite an achievement, Donald Trump won’t be 104 until the year 2050. Old people remember so much. For instance, I can recall “2015”, back when I was a greenhorn summary writer, making only, oh… adjusting for inflation… well, anyhow back then I couldn’t understand how Donald Trump made it onto every KITM, before he had even won a single primary. Now I get it. Donald Trump is just so fun to talk about. Trump is always losing, every day, and Trump is always winning, every day. Trump is never “former”, he’s always with us, with 100% reliability. That reliability is why Donald Trump and the media are NOT in a F’ing “unlikely alliance” Their symbiosis is complete; they exist because of each other… and we crave it too, right? Every day. The problem is, everything Donald Trump touches turns to shit, and he hopes to reach all of us this next time. Back in 2017, David Frum told us that “Trump is a chaos agent. He threatens norms, doesn't care." No, wait, that was Greg Dworkin who said that! Now, David Frum, Jeffery Goldberg, and the New York Times are out there telling us what we had long known. Nikki Haley hasn’t got a chance, but let’s say that she does. It’s worth it, if only to see Ron DeSantis suffer. Nikki could be rising because Republicans are starting to see the danger of Trump, but nah, they like to see Ron lose too. Everyone is happy to see George Santos have more time to get his Christmas/Hanukkah-ish shopping done, but friends and acquaintances should be checking their wallets. If the absolutely completely improbable event of Donald Trump leaving our headlines ever occurs during our lifetime, don’t worry, there will always be some sex scandal involving moral authoritarians turning up. Don’t miss tomorrow’s exciting episode: “It’s Not Gay if It’s a Three Way” or “You’ll Never Bi until You Tri”!

David Waldman picked up a new Advent calendar to help keep track of his Hallmark movies this season. We’ll make a secret Santanist out of him yet! Speaking of Christians, Florida Gop Chair Christian Ziegler, and his wife, Moms for Liberty co-founder Bridget Ziegler... like another woman very, very much, but Christian seems to also like raping, and being mean, which makes everyone sad and angry. The Zieglers and probably their (Formally?) really good friend don’t like children reading about such things… and kissing… so they take kid’s books away. Lucky for kids, a good Penguin will never let that happen! Moms for America Action invites Donald Trump to join them under the comforter. If women’s attitudes don’t shift, rural white hate-nerds will need to find someone other than “women” to have sex with. In war, those things guys get away with, they get away with a lot more. Rape has always been a weapon to choose from. Too bad Hamas exercised “the perfect deception”, and picked a bunch of anti-right hippies to attack, giving Israel no choice but to blow Palestine smithereens into much tinier pieces. At least this means job security for Israeli soldiers with autism. Estonia joins Finland in dropping an iron curtain on Russia. Georgie we hardly knew ye, but who’d want to? Sandra Day O’Connor will be in history textbooks also. Meanwhile, a Trump dictatorship is becoming increasingly inevitable. Who could ever stop him? Well, good governing would. Dick Durbin discovered that the rules aren’t there just for Republicans. Republicans hate those kinds of rules! Scott Perry did not want anybody looking at his cellphone. In retrospect, that totally makes sense.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin pay their respects to, well, they’ll think of something nice to say for two hours. Donald Trump will be 100 years old midway through 2046... A lot of people did get very old waiting for Henry Kissinger to finally die, although he did give obit writers extra time to think up something positve. George Santos wants the haters to know that he still has a lot of life left in his career. Santos is probably lying, but he does have at least until Friday for his expulsion. That’s because… wait! Did someone say “legislative process”? David devotes a segment to exactly what constitutes privileged business on the House floor. Twitter is taking much too long to die. More hostages, dead and alive, will be released by Hamas today. It would be nice if it all happened more quickly, but President Joe Biden has to negotiate with Israel, and members of his own party to make things happen. Republicans want to pair border security with aid for Ukraine. That is totally unreasonable, purposely so. Great minds think alike, and Vladimir Putin thinks funneling migrants into Finland in order to weaken it and its security along the border is a fun troll. At least the dollar’s down. That’s supposed to be... good, isn’t it? And the Dow’s way up. That’s also supposed to be good!

It is the middle of the week on KITM. David Waldman is just getting into his holiday cold. Greg Dworkin is just getting out of his. George Santos says he doesn’t care about being expelled. (He’s lying.) Many in Congress have reasons why they can’t expel Santos. (They’re lying.) No lie, George will be in the history books. The House is reaching the conclusion of their Biden impeachment “inquiry”… they just haven’t “announced” it yet. Hunter Biden wants all of this in public view. David points to Powell v. McCormack, 395 U.S. 486 (1969), referring to Article III, Section 2, Clause 1 of the Constitution. If you are like me, you’re hoping for a badly animated cartoon to explain everything right about now. The economy has grown more than anyone previously estimated. 3 in 5 say that the Gop and Trump favor the wealthy and big corporations over regular folk. Unfortunately, regular folk still think everything is worse than it is. And yet, Joe’s polls are turning around. It could be because of the great job President Biden has done so far in negotiating the Israel-Hamas pause. It could be gas prices. Bibi Netanyahu isn’t a big Biden fan, as he prefers anti-Semites. Mike Pence chose the rare normal ethical path on January 6, and it looks as if he wandered back onto the trail with his agreement to snitch on his friend Donald. Will Gops be so relieved to see the Trump train careen off the trestle, that they will slide over to Nikki Haley? Will Donald take Nikki’s mojo by making Nikki VP? Or should Haley wait until someone better comes along? The Georgia Bureau of Investigation released 400 pages of not-so-much on the Coffee County caper. It almost makes one nostalgic for big dummies Rick Perry and George W. Bush.

It’s Giving Tuesday today. Remember, money won’t bring you happiness, but only pennies a day can help David Waldman become quite cheerful. Won’t you help? Joan McCarter was unable to pop in today, but don’t worry, the government is still going to hell. Donald Trump hopes to use the insurrection act to send the military into cities in order to quell Democrats and democracy. Presidents don’t usually want to be the guy who sent tanks rolling down Main Street. Of course, Donald has always wanted to be that guy. Is Tommy Tuberville smart enough to block military confirmations in order to aid Trump? Absolutely not, but still... Trump can’t tell his BS from Russian BS, because why would he bother? He’s got people to sort that out. If Trump wasn't an officer of the United States, why wasn’t security called to escort him out of that office? Mike Pence almost forgot his oath of office on January 6th, until his son reminded him. Pence is now the top official to have spoken to Jack Smith. You know, Mike didn’t mean to put that comma in his book, and you know Jack Smith would catch that detail. Ron DeSantis assures everyone that he can lose to Donald Trump just fine, even without Nikki Haley’s donors, but without Ron in power the Florida surgeon general will have difficulty double dipping in his state.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back with a special post- and pre-holiday KITM Cybercast: Why are we spending time figuring out what to do with leftovers, when we really need to start trading recipes and begin eating the rich? Because now it’s a who eats who first world, and the super-rich are lining up at the head of the chow line. Was Donald Trump selling pardons because he needed the money, or was he investing in his future? One joy money can’t buy is watching Republicans eat each other. Donald Trump not only hates America; he wants it to hurt, really bad. The Atlantic moves up a couple notches on Trump’s list. Ron DeSantis wants a piece of that sweet fascism, but alas, he’s losing support. Many have left through the endless scandals, others through… attrition. Not-so news: An Iowan sentenced for mass voter fraud is Republican. The leader of a far-right Catholic organization is revealed to have done "horrible, ugly things". After five 'extremely excruciating' weeks of talks, Israel and Hamas have decided to hold off on killing and being killed for another two days. Good news being brought to you by President Joe Biden. Not that Joe would mention it though. He’s not the kind to brag. If you think all this has hurt Biden in the polls, you should see Bibi’s.

David Waldman isn’t about to let us go into this weekend uninformed, even if today is in the middle of that weekend. When holiday shopping don’t… Actually, never, ever trust a Republican to save you money. Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July, Halloween, Talk Like a Pirate Day, are all holidays to be concerned about having an AR-15 aimed at you. The recent Louisville bank mass shooter shot people to show how easy it was for someone like him to shoot people. Some guy killed a guy for blocking his stroller, and recorded it on his camera. Remember that Beavercreek, Ohio Walmart where a Black guy was killed by police for carrying a toy gun in the toy department? Now, a mass shooter thought that same Walmart would be the best place to shoot some Black people. You don’t need to shoot masses of people to enrage the Irish, it turns out that they draw the line at just hurting children. Imagine a central income distribution institution...It’s easy if you try, but also easy to imagine some pitfalls. The Pennsylvania school board ousted after it banned books, Pride flags and transgender athletes tried to slip a quick $700,000 into the pocket of a Superintendent friend of theirs. Local voters, however, are not his friends. If Marjorie Traitor Greene and Mike Lee keep up their stupid Jan 6 hooha, people might start to lose respect for them. Precedent is seen as only a temporary hurdle by the Trump Supreme Court. Reality is seen as only a temporary hurdle by Donald Trump. Ace KITM Correspondent Rosalyn MacGregor reveals another reason not to vote in MAGA candidates, as wingnuts do tend to appoint even wingnuttier functionaries.

Happy T-Day! We did it live, despite it all, because we had to bring you the BREAKING NEWS… that wingnuts were freaked out about some people who went to a KISS concert and crashed their car! Then, it was on to our favorite trend: newspapers becoming willing to print that Trump is crazy. Also worth noting: other politicians in the world are similarly crazy, and are said to have “won elective office.” Today in Every Republican Accusation is a Confession™ news: Harlan Crow’s brother is a super-perv.* (*Allegedly.) One of the many right-wing nudnik partners in the infamous Trump 2025 “plan” has been collecting beaucoup bucks from ostensibly liberal sources. In TFG courtroom news: Trump is throwing everything his lawyers can think of into a firehose of motions to dismiss. And in a shocking development, it turns out that Trump does have some lawyers who can put on a decent show. In appellate court, anyway. What’s that like?

Happy Food Prep Day! David Waldman and Greg Dworkin lay down their spatulas to dish up some news. Everyone should be thankful that Fox News isn’t in charge of their Thanksgiving budget. Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade promises to be a Nonbinary and Transgender Extravaganza — plus featured guests Bell Biv DeVoe, Brandy, U.S. Olympic silver medalist Jordan Chiles and the legendary Radio City Rockettes! The giant Stephen Miller balloon has been cancelled, however. Steve KG Bannon says, No! You’re the fascists! Donald Trump adds that to the list of vermin he will need to annihilate. The press wonder what that means for “Trump vs. Biden ‘24” ™ The Wisconsin supreme court may strike down legislative maps to end Republican dominance. Democrats have made gains in many elections this year. Republicans will need to move quickly to make none of that matter. President Joe Biden is thankful for the success of the US-lead deal to release 50 hostages from Hamas. No matter how many are backing the deal, it isn’t over until those hostages are back home. Meanwhile, their families continue to wait. Of course, it is not as simple as that. The families of the hostages are spurring anger for caring about their families too much. Here and around the world the “kidnapped” poster feuds rage on. Iranians have become desensitized to the question of Palestine.

The crew here at KITM World Headquarters has been working hard to look busy as we head into our mid-week holiday. Good thing Joan McCarter is here to distract David Waldman with the latest DC news. Israel and Hamas indicate they are heading towards a deal. Of course, one person’s ceasefire might be another’s unconditional surrender. Even inside Israel, someone willing to do anything to rescue a family member can be seen as a traitor to their country. As Donald Trump becomes worse, so does America, so then who wouldn’t expect Republicans to try to keep up? (Gops know better now, but they knew better then too.) Now that the government is funded, the next item on the Republican House agenda is getting rid of their Speaker for allowing the government to become funded. Meanwhile the Senate will be addressing aid to Ukraine. Tommy Tuberville dimly realizes the hole he’s in, and hopes that someone figures out a way to get him out. A ‘faith-based’ leader of Moms for Liberty in Philly turns out to be a registered sex offender!

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin pull up a microphone and set a spell, thawing out their Butterballs and relating the latest in news and punditry. Burned-out short-sighted voters chose to burn it all down with a wild-haired idiot demagogue, this time in Argentina. Javier Milei is advised by God through the clones of his dogs. (At least that’s what he says.) Javier might be nuts… Or, he could be a pro-wrestling style charlatan. The one thing that Javier Milei is NOT is “unexpected”. Back in the US of A, a court concludes that sure, Donald Trump did “incite insurrection”, but what can you do? Today, the Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia will decide if Trump can just shut up for one minute. Someday during Trump’s 3rd or 4th term we’ll hear that he “can’t be” President, and we’ll all laugh and laugh. The CNN crew laughed about how Donald Trump’s base will get him elected. Perhaps election polls a year from the election are inaccurate. Today’s pollsters will admit their errors… by around 2030.

As he did yesterday for today David Waldman preps us today for tomorrow. We’ll make do for Sunday. TikTok influencer Osama Bin Laden went viral this week with a pretty on-brand “Letter to America”. Does this mean that our youths now think it’s “cool” and “hip” to be antisemitic terrorists? No, it does not. Unfortunately, it might start a couple on that path, as the most susceptible follow their ignorant bliss/rage down an exponentially reinforcing algorithm echo chamber, passed to them by the invisible hand of the free market. An hour of Google and ten minutes of typing made internal decapitant Marlene Bourne a Fox News superstar, gaining and forfeiting hundreds of millions of dollars for thousands of people. The Gop Congress can’t become too stupid for their constituency. However, it is possible for them to not become stupid enough. Ace KITM Correspondent Rosalyn MacGregor points out the pitfalls in electing Rightwing nut-balls to positions of authority. Ottawa County Michigan’s incoming wingnuts thought that the wholesale elimination of political enemies would be easier than it turned out to be. If you want your peace protest to be peaceful, yet irritating as heck, check out the Arab Resource and Organizing Center’s work on the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge. That’s not Frank Zappa! It’s Steve Sittig with a report on Donald Trump’s already quite successful plan to bamboozle the news media on where he stands with abortion. It’s where Trump stands on anything… wherever it gets him the most.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here with another KITM. No one can explain exactly why they do it, but it works really well for the rest of us. If you see ghost busses in your neighborhood, who you gonna call...Clay Higgins? That's what happens when you elect online trolls to Congress. Chip Roy looked at the Republican party and finds nothing of interest. Marjorie Traitor Greene looked at Republican crotches and has come to a similar conclusion. They could be right. When the going got tough yesterday, the Gops got going. Like Donald Trump, they talk really big, and act really small. Before they ran away, the House Ethics Committee did leave a negative review of George Santos. This hurt George’s feelings, so he promised not to hang out with those guys anymore. (He’s probably lying.) If you are a crazy moron under the influence of other crazy morons, is that a good legal defense? Look it up! In front of the DNC headquarters, protesters assault and get assaulted for peace. Israeli forces shoot people right in the hospital. Speaking of AR-15s, the Washington Post assembled a comprehensive multi-media article on exactly what they are capable of. If TFFG is elected president and then he’s disqualified from being president, it would be pretty frustrating. Right now, Trump lawyers don’t feel the love in New York and don’t want to do the trial anymore. Meanwhile, two or three universes over, President Joe Biden continues presidenting with perfect competence. It’s still the pandemic, stupid. It’s also the economy too. but the messaging shouldn’t be just for the smart people. What’s weird is that only 77% of Jewish voters are wise to Trump.

Greg Dworkin was back today, and as usual, he had a whole slew of stories to share. There was, of course, TFG’s descent into the darkest fascistic rhetoric (reminiscent of Mussolini more so than Hitler, ackshully), all in service of Stephen Miller’s evil immigration fantasies and his own greedy desire for power without restraint. Critics say this may not be wonderful. And if that’s not bad enough, he also continues to dare the judges in his cases to rein him in. Polls! Who needs ‘em? Well, a year out from the election, you probably don’t. We have results from the off-year elections, though. And they may be telling us that the thing Republicans thought would work for them the way abortion actually worked for us… didn’t work for them. But they might have gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids! Not that Republicans are suddenly going to let the results of elections stop them. Let’s you and him fight! And also, you and him! Why didn’t the right-wing challenge to affirmative action generate the same intensity of backlash that the right-wing challenge to abortion and reproductive rights did? Of course, neither Nancy Mace doesn’t know whether to spray paint anti-MAGA or anti-”moderate” graffiti on her own sidewalk these days. Rudy Colludy[‘s collaborators are being] charged with treason! Every Republican accusation is a confession™: The Burisma edition. How do you get a cease fire as between an immovable object and and irresistible force?

It’s Tuesday, time for David Waldman to welcome Joan McCarter to KITM. Also about time for a government shutdown, an almost as regular occurrence. MAGA Mike Johnson’s plan to avoid shutdown is generally less awful than it is awful to MAGA, and it sure beats a shutdown, so Democrats will probably get it done for him. The House Gops are even pulling back on their Mayorkas impeachment stunt, for now. Or, at least they pulled Marjorie Traitor Greene off it for a moment. The Supreme Court has adopted a code of ethics, which they claim to have always had, and which they themselves will police, which everyone knows they never have. Meanwhile, while Donald Trump basks in the glow of smiling New York faces, in Georgia his ex-minions cheerfully recounted those good times back when they were taking over the United States. The Pastor indicted with Trump won’t be taking a plea deal, as he expects the Lord will provide… parishioners to pay for it all. Ukraine is charging Rudy Colludy Giuliani’s top local colluder with treason.

David Waldman has wanted to tell you so many things over this weekend! Luckily, he has a podcast. Greg Dworkin remains on assignment in an undisclosed location. But had he’d been here today he would have beseeched us to discuss Donald Trump’s recent, past, and continuous wackadoodletry. On veteran’s day, Commander Bone Spurs served up plans for mass deportation, Muslim bans, concentration camps and freedom cities, the usual stuff, but added an extra helping of grated Mussolini on top, by promising to exterminate Democrat vermin, or something like that. Any snowflakes who missquote will find their entire existence crushed. And that kids, is why we need another Biden vs. Trump election. That’s only what his MAGA followers require... just one more election to straighten everything out. Previously, Trump’s loyal “body guy” forged orders for a world-wide military withdrawal, out of loyalty. Mike Johnson can’t get his class to play well with each other, let alone behave in public. Marjorie Traitor Greene says Lauren Boebert picked a rough road to ho… how does that idiom go again? Anyhow, most Republicans won’t be asking Marge to give them a well-calloused hand either. In the Gop primary, Tim Scott announced that he will retire to spend more time with his girlfriend. Jacob Chansley will run for Congress, but would double his votes if he did it in makeup. Ohio Republicans decided to pick the “will of God” over the “will of the voters”, because they can’t just make up what the “will of the voters” is. The pastor indicted with Trump in Georgia realized that his pastoral duties included felonies. Certainly his Evangelical flock will soon be hearing a voice or two suggesting what they should do next. Secret Service agents protecting Joe Biden’s granddaughter opened fire amid a car break-in, but everyone, including the thieves, are ok. KITM Senior Storyteller/Correspondent Darwin Darko presents a parable for our time concerning David (the other one) and the weakness of power.