Conversations with Cinthia

oday’s topic is the neuroplasticity of the brain and how we can use it to take charge of our own thought processes. Cinthia opened today with a quote usually attributed to Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.” We see the problems that occur with repeating behaviors that are not working, but what about our thoughts? Our brains create what are called “neural nets,” or networks of brain cells that learn to fire in succession in response to outside stimuli; these are often compared to superhighways in the brain. This creates habits of thought that we often do not even notice because we are so used to them. For example, the phone rings, and you see a particular name on the screen. What thoughts go through your head automatically? The stimulus happens, the thoughts begin… and, before you know it, you are traveling down that old familiar superhighway with its familiar assumptions and other habits of thought. And every time you travel the highway, it gets reinforced, becoming more entrenched and powerful in your brain and your life. Thus, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions to stimuli, but we can take control of this process and retrain our brains to respond differently. Sarah Gibson has written about this concept with the old computer-inspired idea of GIGO: “Garbage in, garbage out.” We can, she emphasizes, decide what ideas to feed ourselves. We can decide which thoughts to dwell on. We can reroute the garbage truck, so to speak, and actively work to take the “trash” out of our brains. We can create bypasses to help us stop traveling the superhighways that are not helping us. God made our brains to work for us, not against us. Are you a lazy thinker? Challenge your own thoughts and feelings. Update and maintain your own roads. Take responsibility for the roads you travel. Clean up the negativities, the lies, the assumptions. Reroute the garbage truck. All of this is easier to say than to do, but it is well worth the work. First, start to notice the neural nets that exist for you. In what areas do you quickly find yourself starting down a familiar thought/feeling/reaction path? Cinthia discussed her own struggle with mental “superhighways” related to an eating disorder that began early in her life; for her, there are still triggers to follow a mental track related to fears of being fat, triggers she has to consciously and intentionally resist. We may have perceptions about why other people do what they do, and our thoughts on this reinforce our judgments and assumptions about others. Some people have superhighways related to fears of trusting anyone. Sometimes we think we know what will happen in a situation because we believe that is what “always” happens, but we may actually be overgeneralizing. What are your superhighways? What are your triggers to jump on those ramps, and what thoughts and feelings occur in response to those triggers? Once you identify some patterns, the first thing to do is learn to pause. To continue our superhighway analogy, pull your mental “car” over into a safe spot and take a minute to examine what just happened and where you are now headed. Question your immediate emotional response. Seek different information. Find out what else there is to know. Clarify with the person who made a comment; what did they mean by that? Remember, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions based on emotional response. Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true. Don’t believe everything you think! We can retrain our reactions, but it is also important to recognize that some superhighways in our minds are so entrenched that we may struggle with them for a very long time, just as Cinthia described still having to resist eating-disordered thoughts decades after she has stopped living as an eating-disordered person. Especially when we are dealing with roads that were formed when we were young or roads that were formed through...

The word “discernment” can have a lot of different meanings; today Cinthia discusses it as the process of determining what God is calling you to do. This can apply to vocation, marriage or singleness, and so many other important questions, and a given person can have several different callings at once (e.g., being married, working a particular job, etc.). Cinthia emphasizes today that God wants us to know what He wants for us and has given us tools for making these decisions. Discernment may seem mysterious at times, but it is more about awareness than any kind of weirdness. God has a call on every life, and He wants us to find that call. He wants us to know why He made us and what we are supposed to be doing on the planet. Discernment is a gift that God gives us, so the first step is to ask God for wisdom, guidance, and help to follow His lead. James 1:5-6 (ESV) says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” God made us, so it is important for each of us to ask Him who we are, why we are here, and what we are supposed to be doing. We need Him to help us know where to go and what to do. Those who crave and revere humility can become like majestic horses in tune with their riders (or, in this case, the Rider), responsive to the least amount of pressure in the desired direction. God has made us with different parts that work together to help us discern where He is leading us. Cinthia discusses these as “the three brains:” the head, the heart, and the gut. The head is our rationality, our logic, the ability to think logistically, practically, and sensibly. The heart is more about emotion and passion; it involves feelings and may give us a sense that we just “have to” follow a particular path. We need to consider both the head and the heart as it can be unwise to trust one without the other. The gut is the third “brain” and tends to be “where truth lies.” It often brings our thoughts and our feelings together and gives us a sense of what to do in the midst of conflicting information from the other two. In fact, Cinthia notes that there is even research that confirms our “gut sense” as an important factor to consider when making decisions. Being aware of one’s own body signals is important because our “three brains” function inside our bodies, and our bodies often give us messages. While there are times when we must act quickly, it is often wise to take time when it is available. The process of sifting through signals from our three brains and understanding what they are saying can take time. Time also allows for the gathering of outside information and experience; there can be clues in our lives that lead us to recognize God is calling us in a particular direction (e.g., things that happen when we were not expecting or looking for them to happen). It may be helpful to talk to others, especially those who are wise. Sometimes it helps to try moving cautiously in a particular direction and see what happens, then re-evaluate. Examining one’s own personal value system is important in this process. We each have a value system, whether we recognize it or not. Each person has a set of principles or ideals that drives his/her actions and decisions. The value system needs to come from all three “brains,” acknowledging the information that comes from them and guiding them further. Cinthia emphasizes, “Your values define your character.” Being intentional about your value system and making decisions that are consistent with that value system will reduce the amount of choices you make purely from impulse or simply for instant gratification. Sometimes we do not like the callings God gives us, at least at first. Cinthia experienced this and found that God had different and better plans for her than her own dreams would have given;...

Do you acknowledge the choices you have? You may not always have the choices that you wish you had, but you always have a choice. Today Cinthia discussed what it means to take ownership of your life and the choices you have. Acknowledging your own choices means giving up the option to blame others for the entire direction of your life (although it does not mean accepting blame for things that were not your fault -- In fact, sometimes one of the choices you have is whether to accept and affirm that someone else’s choice was not your fault, however deeply it may have impacted you.). Even people in very tragic situations (e.g., POWs) have choices within their situations, though those choices may be more limited. Victor Frankl wrote about his experiences in German concentration camps; he observed that prisoners who chose to accept their situations but also find meaning in their suffering were more likely to survive the experience. They chose not to accept full victimhood by owning the choices that were theirs; they did not fully surrender their internal freedoms, even when their outward freedoms were horribly taken away and their mental states were affected. When you choose to abdicate your own choices to others, this is also a choice. For example, do you abdicate your mood to others, to society, etc.? Think of all the choices you have in one day. How many do you abdicate? Cinthia discussed the “Wise Choice Process” which involves using a template for the decision-making process. What is your decision-making process? How do you choose? One example has the following steps, which Cinthia illustrated with an example from her own life (i.e., deciding what to do about her anorexia when she was younger): Cinthia discussed Adam and Eve as the human beings to make choices. God gave them choices, allowing them free will. Adam knew what he was doing even though he could not fully comprehend the outcome. But God also made choices in response to their choices. As Cinthia says, “We fell to hell, and God stopped the drop.” He could have let it go, leaving us to our own destruction, but He did not. Meanwhile, Adam’s sin brought fear, the first negative feeling. We were not originally designed for negative feelings. God also experienced negative feelings in response to our choices, but He was willing to accept different feelings to be in relationship with us, much like parents are willing to feel feelings to have their children and be in relationship with them. Adam’s choice brought knowledge. Knowledge is what brings fear and shame. However, God continued to offer them the opportunity to make good choices with their knowledge. Consider Deuteronomy 30:15-20. He offers us life and death. Sometimes our choices do not lead to immediate physical death but to the death of other things, like the dreams God has for us. We need to repent when we choose death, taking responsibility for our choices and turning instead to God. We can use our free will to submit our self-will to God’s will so that He can undo the damage of our sin. Consider also Ephesians 4:21-24. Another decision-making model involves the following questions: You can use your choices to pursue the dreams God has for you, the purposes for which He made you. Sometimes our mistakes are just as valuable as our good decisions if they help us make better choices in the future. You always have a choice and, therefore, have a lot more power than you may give yourself credit for. Nobody really wants to change. Actually doing it, however imperfectly, is something to be proud of. It is owning your own life, and your life is a gift.

Do you reject compliments, explaining why you don’t really deserve them? Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way? Today’s show is on letting other people love you. It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace. The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position. Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship. But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor. Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor. So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us? Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response. Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done. Allow people to love you when you mess up. Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling. The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change. Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm. We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal. Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time. God gives more because He has endurance people do not. Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful. If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you. Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable. Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange. Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought. Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the person’s mind or assume their expectations without knowing them. If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you. Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out. You can, however, be nice. You can be polite, gracious, forgiving. “Our Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].” Cinthia continues, “Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. See, peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. God is a God of peace. He’s always going to war with the people that are harming us. And there needs to be that protection, and He’s able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.” So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift. If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say “no” then. You can say, “I wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return. What can I do?” And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future. Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth. She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, “The only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,” and, “You’re going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.” Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love...

Today Cinthia talked about the costs and value of pleasure and virtue. In our culture, pursuing pleasure seems to make sense, to be part of living our best life. And pleasure can be a good thing; sometimes it can help us enjoy good things, mitigate pain, etc. But pleasure always has a price. Sometimes pleasure is worth the price, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes pleasure costs us more than we anticipated or acknowledged it would cost, both for us and for those around us. Sometimes, in our attempts to mitigate pain with pleasure, we create more problems and pain. Being willing to cause pain to others in order to secure pleasure for ourselves is called selfishness. Being willing to cause harm to ourselves in order to experience pleasure is problematic, as well, particularly for those who believe human beings were created with value by something bigger than ourselves; harming ourselves also ultimately harms others, as well. Virtue also has a price. Pleasure and virtue each cost us something. Good character understands and respects the price of each. Consider the price and payoff of an addiction, whether a substance addiction or an over-attachment to some other form of pleasure/pain relief, as opposed to the price and payoff of sobriety. Pleasure often masquerades as being exactly what you need in the moment. To what do you cling? Are you addicted to fear, to a feeling, to indulgences like lying? These things collect other things. Virtue is more lasting. Are you willing to pursue virtue? It really matters. What does your presence bring to others? The way we interact with each other matters. God partners with us perfectly even though we do not deserve it. Thank Him for that and for the people who partner with you; learn to be the kind of person you should be even when other people are not doing what they should do. Pay attention to the feedback of those who let you know how you are affecting them; the one who tells you the truth may be your friend. In your relationships and human interactions, do you primarily deduct or deposit? Do you drain the people around you? Do others have to compensate for your emotional draws on a regular basis? Do you primarily take energy or give it? Do people have to recover from being with you, or do you help them recover from the world? Are you part of the harshness in the world? Do you take for granted that others will make up for what you take? Do you show up to the party empty-handed, expecting only to take and never thinking to give? If you tend to take energy from others without realizing it, work on recognizing cues like facial expressions, breathing, etc. Notice what other people are experiencing instead of taking them for granted. We expect children to take without understanding the cost to others because they are learning to participate well in relationships, but we expect adults both to give and to receive. What are you doing for someone else? Do you hijack the conversation and hold it hostage? Do you require constant reassurance from others? Does your presence bring peace, happiness, calm, refreshing? When you show up somewhere, do the people leave feeling better because they talked with you? How do people typically feel about themselves after talking with you? When we consider what to give others, remember that small gestures of kindness or courtesy can give people so much. It is not your job to fix, correct, or “help” everyone around you regardless of whether they want that help. We can do so much for others simply by being kind and courteous to them, which requires managing our own behavior. Start by simply not offending people with coarse words, etc. Consider the words you use and whether they are building or destroying. Remember, words have power to build and destroy. Are you saying the things that need to be said? Are you saying lots of things that are simply unnecessary and unhelpful? For those of us who are Christians, it is especially important to reflect the generosity of...

The phrase “good vibes” has been around for a few decades now, and it is sometimes associated with cultural eccentricity. In fact, however, the phrase can be associated with electricity because the human body has electrical currents that travel up to 120 meters per second. The electricity in our bodies is real, and it is impacted by our habits, particularly those that involve mental hygiene. If you want to boost your positive vibes quickly, here are ten things you can do. Some of them may sound similar, but the nuances are different.

For many of us, the harshest litany in our lives is the stream of self-evaluations running through our heads. This can seem harmless and even necessary to control our behavior; it is easily confused with appropriately holding ourselves accountable. But the way we deal with ourselves reveals a lot about our views of reality, and it tends to leak out into our relationships with others, though we may not be aware of that. Today Cinthia looks at two big (and related) reasons we are so hard on ourselves: unforgiveness and perfectionism. Cinthia states that the following is an important rule of life: We accept forgiveness, and we offer forgiveness. These two actions often seem separate to us, and most of us find one easier than the other. The two are bound together, however, as Jesus showed in Matthew 6:9-13, often called “The Lord’s Prayer,” and in Matthew 7:12, often called “the Golden Rule.” (This last has reflections and corollaries that are found in every major religion, indicating that God has written it into our hearts at a deep level.) Jesus taught us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” He told us to do to others what we would want them to do to us. And He told us that the second-greatest commandment is to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). Our relationships with others and our approach to ourselves cannot be separated; this is why unforgiveness on either side of the equation produces sickness and disease in our bodies and souls. Giving and receiving forgiveness both require an understanding of what forgiveness is not, as well as what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not minimizing the offense, dismissing it, condoning it, or saying the offense was understandable or okay. Forgiving a bad thing does not mean calling it a good thing. It does not mean we will allow the harm to keep happening or will pretend the harm never happened; remember, trust and accountability are often separate issues from forgiveness. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean we will forget what happened; in some cases, that would not be safe to do. Forgiveness means that we turn the debt over to God and let Him handle the accounts. We stop trying to exact payment on our own, whether from ourselves or others. We give up the roles of prosecutor, judge, jury, and executioner. We see ourselves and others as valuable in spite of the choices made; we see people (including ourselves) as more than just the sum of actions committed. For those who struggle with self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness can seem wrong, as if it dismisses the seriousness of the choice or the harm done by it. It seems too easy to let ourselves walk away from what we did. The problem is that God is the Judge, not us. He has made a way to forgive us because of what Jesus did on the cross. Receiving and embracing His forgiveness is not a dismissal of the seriousness of our actions or the harm done; after all, any choice that requires the blood of God’s Son to pay for it is serious. But adding our own mental self-punishment to Jesus’s sacrifice is not the same as taking our sin seriously; our self-flagellation cannot add ever equal the horror of the punishment He took for us. If we take our own sin seriously, we must also take seriously what He did about it. Self-forgiveness means that we choose to live at peace with ourselves because God has chosen to live at peace with us. We may still attempt to repair damage done when that is possible (e.g., acknowledging, apologizing, making attempts to restore what we took from someone else when that is possible, etc.), but we recognize that refusing to forgive ourselves does not repair anything or help anyone. We choose to walk away from the mental torture of holding onto our sins and mistakes. We choose to see ourselves as more than our offenses. Cinthia models a statement like this one: “I am not proud of what I did, and I do not condone or minimize it. But I am choosing to move forward for the sake of my own...

Have you ever thought that relationships and drama have to go together? That shouting matches and stand-offs are simply the price you pay to have any kind of intimacy in your life? It is true that relationships require effort, but work and drama do not have to be the same thing. Today Cinthia discussed her book Wars to Peace: When Relationships Go Nuclear, explaining that peace in relationships can be our default mode when we learn to control ourselves and act like adults. We can choose our battles and go to war honorably and occasionally. In short, she said, peace is possible. Cinthia wrote Wars to Peace to explain a set of ideas she has learned in her own life and used with clients for years with many, many beautiful results. The book uses the DEFCON scale and the practices of first responders, soldiers, and others who have to remain competent in high-stress circumstances to explain how we can all learn to manage our own emotions and behaviors instead of living at the mercy of other people’s feelings and decisions. This model acknowledges that there are times we will need to “go to war” relationally, confronting serious offenses more intensely, but emphasizes that we do not have to live in relational war most of the time, and that, when we do “go to war,” we can do it well. Many of the tactics described in this book involve managing one’s own inner world first. When we know our own beliefs, control our own behaviors, and monitor our own thoughts for truth and helpfulness, we stop participating in the sabotage of the relationships we most value, as well as the general chaos around us. We decrease our reactivity to the slights and offenses of others, actually choosing how upset to become in various situations. While this kind of self-management takes a lot of work, it comes with the pay-off of increased peace in our own internal worlds as we learn how to be okay whether or not other people change. It also enables us to spend far less time regretting our own actions and sabotaging the legitimacy of our own hurt by losing control of our behavior and becoming part of the problem instead of the solution. None of this means that we will be without emotion in response to the world around us or that we will never need to take a hard line about anything. Some things are worth fighting for; some things are worth dying for. But the dirty socks beside the hamper are not on those lists, even when we consider all the emotional meanings that can be overlaid onto simple things by our relational histories. We can make choices about how “big” to get in response to our circumstances, including those caused by other people’s choices. We can decide when to “go nuclear” because it is the right thing to do in a few circumstances, but not to use it as a release valve simply because we are experiencing uncomfortable feelings. We can manage our own feelings (which is different than dismissing, denying, or belittling them) and measure our responses to each situation instead of being at the mercy of our own emotions and the emotional rise and fall of those around us. Once we are engaged in managing ourselves well, we learn to engage with others in ways that actually help to create peace. While we do not change or control others, we do influence one another. Being people of peace makes us more able to create that peace in our relationships, at least as far as it depends on us. And sometimes it is surprising how much power our own responses really have to do things like defuse a tense situation, minimize the possibility of physical or emotional fall-out, etc. Again, this does not mean that we can control other people or that we take responsibility for their actions. There will be times that others make poor choices no matter what we do, and we will have to decide what to continue to tolerate. But we can make those choices much more calmly when we stop getting caught up in the shouting matches and stand-offs and emotional games. It is important to...

Today Cinthia continues a topic she started earlier in the month: how to know whether someone loves you. Relationships are complicated, whether they are romantic relationships, friendships, or family ones. When we are most vulnerable, sometimes the wrong things get exaggerated, and the things that are true get minimized. So how do we know when someone loves us – or, at least, how to know when someone loves us in a way we can trust? People are imperfect. A person who loves you in a healthy way can humble himself or herself when wrong, ask for forgiveness, and accept forgiveness. That person can also forgive you quickly, though he or she may need time to heal; needing to rebuild trust over time is not the same as denying forgiveness. A person who loves you with a healthy love will be committed to getting over your wrongs as quickly as possible, but acknowledging the depth of the wound and the time it takes to heal is part of what makes healing happen. Continuing to heal is necessary, but keeping a record of wrongs for the sake of power over another person or out of bitterness is a different thing. If you are the one who has been harmed and the person who loves you is giving you time to heal, it can help to express appreciation for this. Do not say you are fine and pretend to be over it when you are not, but don’t over-complicate the transgression, either. It is ok to be where you are and let the healing process happen. Secretly nursing wounds, ruminating, etc., does not further your healing process; healthy grieving does. Healthy love is honest and merciful at the same time, and it does not take humanness personally. Similarly, when someone forgives you, appreciate it and do not overcomplicate it in return, getting more stuck on your offense than the other person is. It is not the offended person’s job to help you get over yourself. A person who loves you is courteous, polite, and gracious to you and not only to others. A person who loves you will honor what you need, even if he or she does not understand it. It may be inconvenient or uncomfortable, but the person will care about what you need because he or she cares about you. When someone shows this care, it is appropriate to express appreciation.

Today Cinthia conducted two interviews with individuals who work in areas significant to events happening in the world. First, she talked with Kelsey Pritchard, who is the director of state public affairs for SBA Pro-Life America; she was previously the communications director for former South Dakota governor Dennis Daugaard and has also worked in the private sector. Pritchard talked about the significance of the Dobbs decision and the way society has shifted in its thoughts about abortion since Roe v. Wade. She discussed the way the narrative has altered with deceptive language and misinformation so that a woman with an unplanned pregnancy may easily find herself thinking that abortion is her only real option. She also discussed studies by the Charlotte Lozier Institute that have looked at the impact of abortions on the women who have them, as well as the reasons they report having had those abortions in the first place; Pritchard stated that about two-thirds indicate they did not really want the abortions they got but that they felt some kind of pressure, either from people in their lives (e.g., partners, family members, etc.) or from financial constraints. Cinthia and Pritchard noted that, while it makes sense to be outraged at the searing of our societal conscience so that we are now discussing abortion as something women need for their health and freedom, this should not translate into shaming individuals who have had abortions. Cinthia discussed working with clients who have been deeply wounded by their decisions to have abortions and the realization some of them experienced later that resources existed but that they had been too embarrassed to ask. She also noted that, when a person already feels shame, that person becomes more vulnerable to coercion. Cinthia also discussed her own adoption and the gratefulness she feels to her birthmother, despite having never been able to meet her. She has learned that her birthmother, who is now deceased, hid the pregnancy with Cinthia from her family; Cinthia admires her birthmother for having done whatever was necessary to have allowed Cinthia’s life to happen, placing her for adoption instead of aborting her in one way or another. Cinthia also noted that God is not thwarted by abortion and does not abandon His creation, even when that creation is killed, that He “still has a plan for the aborted baby.” He has been dealing with the choices of sinful human beings for a long time and still makes everything beautiful in His time. Pritchard encouraged listeners to vote well and to engage in truthful conversation about ballot measures, etc. She reported that this election year involves both national attempts to secure abortion on demand and deceptively-worded ballot measures in six states that seek to sound like they ensure necessary and reasonable health care for women. One ad even stated that women would die without a particular ballot measure, although, in fact, every state with pro-life laws already has exceptions for emergency care for the mother. There is no state in which women’s lives are endangered by lack of access to abortion. In some states, abortion advocates are targeting babies with disabilities, insisting that mothers should be able to abort their children if they receive prenatal diagnoses they consider too limiting for the child; aside from the fact that disabilities do not remove the possibility of life and happiness for children (or their families), the frequency with which these diagnoses are wrong is a huge concern. Pritchard discussed the many pregnancy support centers around the country as the “backbone,” as well as the “hands and feet” of the pro-life movement, providing women in crisis situations with housing, resources, money, emotional support, and more. She encouraged listeners to support and become involved with these centers, and Cinthia encouraged praying for them as they fight on the front lines for women and their families. She called the battle for...

For every person in the world diagnosed with an addiction or mental disorder, there is at least one other person trying to help someone in this condition. Families are deeply impacted, and these situations can be ripe for misunderstanding, misinformation, and stigma. Today Cinthia explores how to love well when a loved one struggles with a mental illness or addiction. She began at the beginning of Luke 10 and explored issues related to boundaries and codependency in several passages leading up to the parable of the Good Samaritan. She then looked directly at the parable and discussed what he did and did not do to help the wounded man, as well as whether he might have had to respond differently if he had been trying to help his own relative. Cinthia noted that the Good Samaritan offered simple help, not judging or lecturing, not becoming over-involved, but valuing the wounded man and helping him by giving what he could with appropriate expectations. Sometimes humans complicate it when God asks us to help others. Cinthia encouraged self-reminders that kindness is free and can be given to anyone. Kindness is not validating inappropriate behavior or trying to teach someone how to change, though it can model a different lifestyle. Kindness does not mean assuming best-friend status and does not leave the recipient owing anything. It is simply kindness. Part of how we know whether we are practicing good boundaries is that we are able to give freely without unrealistic expectations; we do not gain identity from helping the person get better or become resentful if the person rejects or disappoints our efforts. Good boundaries help us not to take everything so personally. If someone close to us struggles with an addiction or mental illness, we generally have two choices: We can interject ourselves into their situation or be simply a compassionate observer. A compassionate observer does not take responsibility for figuring out, fixing, teaching, reforming, etc. A compassionate observer can be aware of problematic behavior while acknowledging his/her own inability to comprehend all the internal and external factors involved. A compassionate observer can value another person regardless of his/her behavior but does not give past the point of being able to release expectations his or her own expectations for the results. A compassionate observer can accept that people’s lives are messy and that getting involved in the lives of human beings is a messy business. A compassionate observer can offer some help, particularly when it is requested, but must have good boundaries when doing so. Boundaries can be most easily understood as awareness of “where I end and you begin.” When we do not know where we end, we often become way too involved in the lives of others and end up hating or despising the people we were trying to help when all our attempts to help them change are frustrated or disappointed. People have problems that aren’t solved for lots of reasons, and we don’t always know all the reasons. Without appropriate expectations, we develop compassion fatigue, which leads to resentment. We can easily overestimate our own ability to understand a given situation. Sometimes, as we watch a loved one struggle, we say to God, “You could fix this.” Cinthia reminds us to take a deep breath and remember Who God is. Remember the cross, the beatings, His entire creation turning against Him. God knows how humans can be, and He understands factors we cannot know. He knows what it is like to offer someone help, only to have that person reject it in favor of his/her own best ideas. He actually does know what is best for us and has the right to have plans for us (something we cannot say about ourselves regarding the people we are trying to help), and He still experiences our resistance and rejection of His offers. One question to consider in determining what you can give freely in a given situation is how educated you are regarding that situation. Do you...