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Beach Cops

All Things Comedy

Welcome to Beach Cops! A show so ridiculous it'll feel like your brain got kicked in the nutz.


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Welcome to Beach Cops! A show so ridiculous it'll feel like your brain got kicked in the nutz.




The Pork Report 15 Mount Smelleverest

O’Neill talks medical strikes in South Korea, Andrew gets advice on how to fix his back finally. Then they talk about the Civil War and O’Neill draws a hard line in the sand. We help Peppertooth with more magical incantations for his Dungeons and Dragons campaign and O’Neill invents several drug based businesses and they use a cellphone stenographer to try and capture some of their amazing ideas.


The Pork Report 14: You'll Drink Your Teeth, No Sticky, No Crunchy

Head to and get 50% off with code BEACHCOPS50. FULL EPISODE @ Andy is the bionic Rite Aid man, more toilet twerking occurs, and we help a listener buy medical equipment on Amazon. There’s some live GERDing, Ryan bullies a kid in Taekwondo and gets threatened by the teacher, Andrew gets a swirly from his karate instructor and they work on a Chinese action movie idea. It’s a tor du force in the new ATC studios!


The Pork Report 13: Hog Wild

FULL EPISODE HERE: DeWitt and O’Neill are back in the studio with some more slop! Andy has a lot of female friends who think they can sell feet pics, Ryan pulls a gun on Ranaziz, and Andy remembers the most insane swashbuckling movie of all time, Zorro The Gay Blade. O‘Neill‘s mom gets scammed and makes $20 bucks. Andy gets stoner scammed and loses $40. Then they talk scrap metal and an amazing horror movie premise!


The Pork Report 12: Duke of Earl w/Big Earl Skakel

FULL EPISODE HERE: Big Earl Skakel is finally back and it’s a wiiiiiiiiild ride. O’Neill talks about his documentary project with What Up Pete and Earl himself. Then we talk Vince McMahon doodie accusations, dramatic readings of sleazeball texts and for some reason Earl re-enacts funny scenes from the 1970’s sitcom “The White Shadow”. Then the boys roast his old toilet and it gives Earl a boner then they help him write some new jokes. Wow, it’s a tour de force episode!


The Pork Report 11: Dark Tirades

FULL EPISODE HERE: Sooey! It’s the Pork Report and it’s time for your slop! Ryan tests everyone for psychopathy using this one weird trick. Then they talk AI girlfriends, a company that pays for doodies, and OF bikini farm work by O’Neill. Andy talks about the South Carolina Lizard Man and his grandma scaring him with Raw Head Bloody Bones. Then a Satanic cult raises its head in a beautiful neighborhood.


The Pork Report 10: Seafood Tower Anxiety

FULL EPISODE HERE: On this episode of the Pork Report we have more of the sloppiest news you can use! 10 foot aliens, Oprah has a body double, and we start multiple amazing screenplay ideas. O’Neill races to finish a seafood tower in a mere hour and half. Then he plans a seafood based crowd work only comedy special. One of Aaron’s family members wins a car. And he never gets to see it. There’s some serious fondue talk. Then the boys do a deep dive on the great TruckNuts war and can’t get enough of the business buffoonery. It’s a great one!


The Pork Report 9: Skate or Die

FULL EPISODES @ The dudes are back and it's guns a blazing! First they talk about fluoride french fries. Then it's airplane disasters. After that they jump into tick bites that result in a pickle of predicament. Then it's softball talk, Tony Hawk and Jesse Ventura joins the show. Come one, come all, it's The Pork Report.


The Pork Report 8: No Alarmo

SPECIAL FREE EPISODE! MORE HERE: We're back in the old studio while Aaron and ATC close for the holidays. And honestly, it's great to be back! We quickly stumble into chimpanzee nut smugglers. Then we visit the worst person on YouTube. After that, it's a deep dive into the history of truck nuts. Then we reach our magnum opus, an invention that might change the world for the's the ultimate car alarm for the homophobic car thief. Strap in, hunker down and let your mind go limp cause The Pork Report has got the wheel. Enjoy!


The Pork Report 7: Year In Repoo

FULL EPISODE HERE: In this episode of the ground breaking journalistic power house of The Pork Report, the boys discuss disposable corn meal beds for hotels and the ensuing rat problem that surely to follow. Then it's super pigs from Canada and the American weaponry that might save us. O’Neill reveals the most dangerous day of the year for wieners and a baked bean factory ends up with rubber balls in the beans! Also, Aaron wins more softball tournaments and cements his legacy as the greatest player the game has ever seen.


The Pork Report 6: They've Got Thumbs!

FULL EPISODE HERE: DeWitt and O’Neill are back in the studio and breaking incredible news. First up, O’Neill talks about a new scourge facing humanity, dolphins with thumbs. We talk about the forgotten Christmas movie, Invasion USA, men who don’t buy toilet paper for their girlfriends then Ryan creates another toilet based trampoline idea. Then Andrew reveals medical procedures he has performed. Ryan uses this to volunteer him to save lives on flights. The boys start a new business for straight shooting medical advice. Then they come up with a new Elf on The Shelf variant.


The Pork Report 5: Cambodia, The Feeling's Forever

FULL EPISODE HERE: The Pork Report is hitting its stride! O’Neill is back from Cambodia where he was all the children’s lucky charm. He also has unbelievable food deals and peanuts that make you take a dump in your pants. DeWitt springs a new theme song on O’Neill as well as a creamy new Christmas video. Then Ryan talks about a drunk Santa fresh from prison that his dad brought over. Andy’s grandpa hands him a collection of loaded rifles to play with on Christmas that nearly got him killed as a child. Then we get a Christmas visit from Rowdy Uncle Ronnie.


The Pork Report Ep 4: Osama Drama

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The Pork Report Ep 3: Dude, We Ate Like Kings

GREEN CHEF get $250 off with code beachcops250 at FULL EPISODE @ On This Pork Report style episode of Beach Cops, Ryan tells Andrew about the joys of life on the road. A heroin junkie invades Great Wolf Lodge and leaves syringes everywhere. The boys discuss billionaire brontosaurus secrets and the forgotten 80’s classic “Baby: Secret of The Lost Legend” and how Andy was forced to study cryptids at elementary school. Andy finds out about the Sasquatch “gifting rock” and Ryan debuts a 1970’s gem “Bigfoot and Wildboy” and it’s truly unbelievable. Then we hear O’Neill on a legit baseball bat commercial which leads to an amazing Aaron underdog softball story!


Beach Cops Episode 221: The Friendly Ghost Conundrum

To listen to this full episode and get other bonus content, please go to our PATREON: A homeless dude helps "decorate" a giant skeleton in a fancy neighborhood. O’Neill has a ghostly proposition for Andy, but it quickly devolves into a Black Mirror situation. Andy finds a risque Irish woman on Instagram. Ryan has a “broccoli mission” dream that Andy tries to decode. Danish finds out about the urban legend of the Death Cat. A caller leaves a scary message that Andy initially doubts but later believes. Also, Ryan finds the ceiling of the podcast and measures it.


Beach Cops Episode 220: Diet Coke Wishes

To listen to this full episode and get other bonus content, please go to our PATREON: Someone leaves season’s greetings in the toilet at ATC for O’Neill. Then, Danish finds a Diet Coke in the other bathroom, causing them to imagine a situation where a billionaire grants wishes to whoever drinks the toilet soda. Ryan pitches a traveling van of risque circus performers. Andy wears orthopedic flip flops, but no one believes him. Ryan then tries to get Andy to hang out with a chimpanzee, but Andy doesn’t want to deal with the diaper. Ryan then goes on a rant about some kind of mysterious softball powers.


Beach Cops Episode 219: Handsome Little Boy Rum

To listen to this full episode and get other bonus content, please go to our PATREON: On this episode, the gang talks Book Fair books, school stores, and Little Caesar’s Pan-Pan. Also, Andrew recounts a story of being jumped in elementary school and using his fat to his advantage. O’Neill intelligently breaks down how the insults of 4th graders wouldn’t hurt as much as an adult. Then, they argue about the size of ships in a bottle. After that, they invent new types of rum that would feature Andy as a mascot figure dressed as a little Dutch boy. They finally talk about South American/Mexican alien mummies, which inspires O’Neill to try speaking Spanish. Then, Andy reads comments on the Whazzup Man of Reddit AITA.


Beach Cops Episode 218: Diaper Neighbors

Go to and use code 60beachcops to get 60% off plus free shipping. GreenChef: “The #1 Meal Kit for Eating Well” To listen to this full episode and get other bonus content, please go to our PATREON: Aaron has an insane divorce story from his neighborhood. We offer him a series of Crunchwrap based gambits and see what he’ll take. Andy’s neighbor washes his clothes with a hose and uses adult diapers for the craziest thing. Aaron’s neighbor tries to give him meat. Andy does more back-pain talk, and the fans weigh in. Then, he gets on the floor and does stretches.


Beach Cops Episode 217: Pork Report Edition

To listen to this full episode and get other bonus content, please go to our PATREON: Another fantastic, classy, dignified episode of the Pork Report with Ryan and Andrew. Andy buys a soundboard for a dollar and immediately gets decision fatigue. Andrew and Ryan try to create a game show called “Read O’Neill’s Mind”, but it doesn’t pan out. Then, they talk Cadbury turkeys and nacho cheese turkeys. Andy shows O’Neill Gymkata for the first time, and they brainstorm more Olympic-based action films.


Beach Cops Episode 216: Pork Chops the Movie

To listen to this full episode and get other bonus content, please go to our PATREON: Ryan talks about politicians working way past the retirement point, and Aaron recounts amazing movies. Then, O’Neill and DeWitt create an action movie called Pork Chops about karate police partners who fight children.


Beach Cops Episode 215: Porta-Potty

To listen to this full episode and get other bonus content, please go to our PATREON: The gang discusses a brand new business idea, where Andy dresses as a pig and lays in a trough, while O’Neill acts as a barker for people who are tired of waiting in lines for the porta-potties at music festivals. Then, a firefighter hero sends in an incredible video, and we make the case for higher pay for some of our country’s bravest workers.