The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Richard Lizzie Serendipidy Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Teach If I overlooked your story for this week, just send it to me with an admonishment and I will get it up on the feed in its own exclusive post. LIZZIE "I don't want to know what you do with those humans. All I know is that when you come back, you can hardly function. You keep yelling Die! Die! Die! and you want to have a plant-based diet for weeks. And there's no point in coming up with excuses. It was the trip. It was the pollution, it was the weather. There's always something. This time, you had a drawing of a blond. A blond! So, I want a divorce." "A divorce?! Have you been reading the books I brought back with me again? We don't even have marriages here!" RICHARD -- A Little Less Conversation -- "Put a cork in it, will you?" Jeff looked at me, a little shocked. "Dude, I'm just expressing an opinion." "Yeah, but you've been expressing the same opinion for the last ten minutes, and I haven't had a look in! You're aware that a conversation is a two-way activity, right?" He rolled his eyes, then gestured for me to contribute to the conversation. After some thought, carefully considering all the nonsense that he'd been spouting, I came to a conclusion. "OK", I said. "What? Is that seriously all you have to say?" he demanded. I nodded my head. "Yep." SERENDIPIDY The products I use are all planet-friendly, plant-based and vegan. It's not that I particularly care about the environment, but when it comes to marketing, they really bring in the customers. Just adding the word 'recyclable' to my beauty products can boost sales by fifty percent, and - better still - I can double the price and they'll still fly off the shelves. They will of course, still kill you, eventually. They're stuffed full of carcinogens, poison and chemicals, even though they're naturally-sourced. I can't put all that on the packaging though, despite being true. And business is booming! NORVAL JOE When the counselor dragged Sabrina away Billbert wandered on to class. Passing a display window by the admin office he saw a number of new photos pinned onto a cork board. There were more than 100 pictures from sporting events, club meetings, and other student functions on the school grounds. He found two pictures of him with Linoliamanda and one with Sabrina. In each of the pictures there was also a girl, clearly watching them, or maybe just him. He'd never seen her before. She had dark red hair and more freckles than anyone on the Pacific Coast should have. PLANET Z Tracking cases is really important for my job Some people track their cases with a whiteboard, writing new cases on the board and adding notes for status updates. Others track them online with fancy tracking tools, linking notes and sharing them and running reports. I use a corkboard with post-it notes, moving new cases from the top to the bottom and adding flags and bubbles to them with additional notes. And yet, I still miss a few publishing windows or updates. Just like I did with my white board and online tracker. But at least the cork board looks cool.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He pointed at the map and said "Start with that sea serpent, catch that blowing cloud's winds, and visit that mermaid on top of the treasure chest." "George, those are visual embellishments," said the captain. "They're not real." The rest of the crew laughed at George, and he'd sulk off to his bunk. Late at night, George adjusted the ship's course to head straight for the sea serpent. When they arrived at the spot, there was no serpent. "Oh well," said George. "Let's go see that cloud and mermaid."

Lisa Richard Lizzie Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Cork RICHARD --- Gone Postal --- It was effectively a postal bomb. When I opened the letter that dropped through my letter box that morning, I suppose you could say its contents caused me life-changing injuries. Everything I thought I knew and depended upon was blown to pieces in that moment, trust was destroyed and the shrapnel and fallout from that letter continues to cause me pain and suffering even today. They say that the pen is mightier than the sword. Never was a truer word spoken. I burned the letter and cast its ashes into the wind. But the damage had already been done. TOM Fowl play. Did you know you can send live baby chicks in the post? Yup. CO22 Perishables. C022 describes the normal transit time standards for mailing perishable goods, including live animals, furs, plants, and non-mailable plant pests. Live day-old chickens, ducks, and geese acceptable in the mail only if: The box is properly ventilated, of proper construction and strength to bear safe transmission in the mail, and not stacked more than 10 units high. There was nothing stated about how many chicks can go in said box. I bet you didn’t know closely packed chicks tend to explode. Thus, a Postal bomb. LIZZIE Buy the explosives. Don't tell anyone. Buy the explosives online. Don't tell anyone. Buy the explosives on the dark web. Don't tell... OK, how do I get on the dark web? I could ask that crazy guy who smokes pot all day. No, better not. Perhaps that other one who buys bread on Wednesdays, the one who only wears black. No... The neighbor down the street? Oh, no, not that one, his brother is a cop. Abort, abort. Bad, bad idea. This is not going well. Think. OK, easy steps. Buy envelope. Don't tell anyone. Avoid Wednesdays, just in case. SERENDIPIDY It may be old-fashioned, but it's simple, precise, effective and - with careful planning - untraceable. It's not like it used to be. With modern explosives and techniques, there's no giveaways, like greasy marks on the packaging or suspect whiffs of almond. Plus, it's sort of environmentally friendly! I make mine exclusively using recycled Amazon boxes, and therein lies the key to my success. We rarely question when an Amazon box is left on our doorstep, it's probably something we ordered and forgot about. Or maybe, we've struck it lucky, and received something intended for someone else? Let's open it now! LISA A Bad Day I’d woken late, couldn’t find my keys, my hair looked crap… you know the days, right? I left the house in a temper and then there was a queue at the Post Office. It snaked around the shop and wasn’t just out the door, it was down the road. I joined it, cursing everyone in front of me before realising I had to go or risk being REALLY late for work. I got to work and read a news alert on my phone. A bomb, possibly destined for elsewhere, had exploded early. Nobody in the Post Office made it out. NORVAL JOE When they got to school there were papers everywhere like a postal bomb had gone off in the admin building. Teachers and students hurried around cleaning up the mess. Billbert joined in helping as Sabrina stood back and watched. "What happened?" Billbert asked a teacher. The school counselor said, "A freak windstorm blew through just as we were unloading a delivery of paper." Billbert turned to Sabrina. "Was that you?" She gave him an embarrassed smile and shrugged. Then, the counselor saw Sabrina. "Miss Hexaohos. It's good to see you're back. I have someone who wants to speak with you." PLANET Z My phone alerts me when Amazon delivers a package, and I rush out to get it before the local porch pirates come around. The rare times I can't, three cameras capture the damn pirate and their license plate. Every now and then, I'll leave a box out there with a glitter bomb in it.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. His job was on the line, so he did what any sensible uneducated manual laborer does in such a circumstance. "We should unionize," George told his shipmates. "We need better wages, working conditions, health care, and retirement benefits!" The crew discussed this, and then voted for a strike and threw down their cutlasses. Even the parrot was on strike, demanding higher-quality crackers. Eventually, the captain agreed. But the next time when treasure shares were distributed, everyone got even less. "Union dues," grinned the captain. "Now get back to work!"

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. After a hurricane hit Port Royal, George asked his fellow pirates for donations to the relief effort. The pirates handed over extra clothes, food, and medicine to George. George dropped the supplies off at the local church. "Bless you, son!" grinned the preacher. The next day, George saw the preacher selling the previous day's supplies to a merchant. George drew his sword and killed the merchant and the priest. That's when the pirates raided the town, grabbing up the donated supplies. George dropped his sword, sat down, and wept.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Somehow, he'd sailed the ship along the chocolate river in Willy Wonka's factory. "What the shit is this?" growled the captain. "Not shit," said George. "Chocolate." A wild-haired geek in a purple suit met them at the river's bank and raised his cane in greeting. The pirates shot him dead with their flintlock pistols. "WHAT THE FUCK?" yelled the captain. "CEASE FIRE! CEASE FIRE!" A gang of orange midgets swarmed the ship, but the pirates finished them off easily. The pirates grabbed a bunch of candy and raised anchor.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Every week, he'd call a meeting of the crew and make them work on team-building exercises. The team-building exercises usually ended up as ways for the crew to torment George. They'd make him walk the plank, or they'd keel-haul him. Or they'd tar-and-feather him and make him cluck like a chicken. Oddly enough, these team-building exercises made the crew work better together, and they saw lots of productivity gains. Except for George. Who came out of these exercises exhausted and in agony. Perhaps he needs more team-building exercises?

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He was so awful, he got into a ship battle with the Ty-d-bowl Man and lost badly. All he had to do was flush, and he couldn't manage that. He got all flustered with which way to put the roll of toilet paper on the holder, and he took a broadsides amidships, going down quickly. When George got a new ship, he cleaned the head with a toilet brush manually. Somehow, he knocked a hole in the hull with the damned thing, and the new ship sank quickly, too.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He ran afoul of the navy of King Minos, and was tossed into The Labyrinth. "What's that horrible smell?" muttered George. The Minotaur, an evil human-bull hybrid, roared in George's face. "Ah, that's what that smell is," said George. "I think you could use a nice warm bath." George drew a bath for The Minotaur, setting out some scented candles and incense to set a relaxing mood. The Minotaur got in the tub, relaxed, and heaved a deep sigh. George picked up The Minotaur's club and brained the beast.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Malcolm Gladwell says that if you spend ten thousand hours doing something, you'll become an expert at it. George thought that by spending ten thousand hours being a pirate, he'd become an expert at being a pirate. But instead, by spending ten thousand hours of being a not very good pirate, he became an expert at being not a very good pirate. George hunted down Malcolm Gladwell and confronted him. Malcolm kicked George in the groin with an expert's precision. Apparently, Malcolm had spent ten thousand hours doing that.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Instead of thinking only of treasure, he tried to show cultural sensitivity. When he stopped three ships heading Westward, he assuming the man was Spanish because he was sailing under the Spanish flag. "Scusi, my apologies," said George. "So, about that whole 'hand over your gold' thing..." When the captain said that he was seeking spices from India, George let him go. A few months later, the same captain was sailing eastward with just a few aboriginal captives. George felt bad for him that he didn't get any spices.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He tended to crash his ship a lot. Which is why the National Transportation and Safety Board hired George to crash-test ships. "You're the expert," said the government agents. "We asked everyone on the high seas, and you've come highly recommended." "Well, thank you," said George. George took the wheel of a ship that was loaded with all kinds of monitors and sensors, and he steered it towards the rocks... And completely missed the rocks, ramming into a ship where the government researchers and observers were watching the test.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He blamed chronic back pain for his problems, and he went from doctor to doctor seeking a cure for his debilitating ailment. He ended up paying out of pocket for going outside the pirate union's health network. He turned to new age healers for relief, but they didn't provide any solutions. So, he tried to numb the pain with alcohol and drugs, which only worked for a while. That's when he thought to stop stashing his cutlass into his bedroll as he slept. His back felt so much better.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. So when German investors acquired the ship, George thought he'd be the first to get fired. Instead, the Germans got rid of everyone else and replaced them with robots. "We know what everybody else does," said the ship's new captain. "So, it was easy to replace them. But we can't figure out exactly what you do." The Germans followed George around for a few days, taking notes, until George fell overboard. The Germans fell overboard with him. And everyone drowned except George. The old crew came back aboard, cheering.

Lisa Richard Lizzie Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Postal Bomb TOM Hope Rises They called it the clinic. The oldest would quip it use-to-be a department store. It mattered little because the medical corporation that ran it was long gone. And nothing matching that level of business structure was present north of the golden gate. We were on our own. The handful of providers that were able to scale down to the bone and still provide had a near saintly aura about them. My wife was the pillar that held it all together. When she spoke her truth people put their faith in her judgement. With little hope in sight the clinic is. NORVAL JOE After they had showered, dressed, and eaten breakfast, the three headed off to school, all wearing loosely fitting hoodies and blue jeans. When Billbert and Sabrina turned onto the street toward the school, Linoliamanda continued across toward the hospital's outpatient clinic. "Mandi," Billbert called. "Where are you going?" "I'm going to see my dad. I haven't been to school in a week. I'm sure no one's going to miss me," she said and continued on. Billbert waited and watched her go until Sabrina pulled on his gray sweatshirt. "Come on Billbert. Mindi's right. I know that I won't miss her." LISA Breaking the Ice Valentines Day. Traditionally a romantic day for couples everywhere. Sally and Bob both liked each other but got tongue tied whenever they met so had actually never spoken. Fate intervened. It was a special day at their Doctors Surgery too – the annual Mole and Wart Removal Clinic. Most patients were treated in the waiting room and only more intimate areas were ‘done’ in a private room. So, skin tags were removed from necks, moles from bald heads and soon only Sally and Bob remained in the waiting room. They exchanged nervous glances before Sally stammered “D’you fancy a coffee after?” SERENDIPIDY It's known simply as 'The Clinic' Apparently the term is supposed to normalise the place and its purpose: Promote the idea that it's really no different to taking a trip to the fertility clinic, the hair loss clinic or any one of a myriad of other medical specialisations. They send you an appointment, and you pop in for a quick consultation with an expert. There's nothing particularly intimidating, scary or unusual about that. Except this isn't that sort of clinic. When you check in to this clinic, you're not going to be checking back out again. Anyway... welcome, to Switzerland. LIZZIE The toy clinic was closed. What now? The child looked at her mother with anguish. The mother knocked at the door feverishly until a light came on. What is it, we're closed. They knew, but... and the mother pointed at her child, a broken toy cradled in her arms. OK, let's do this. And the toy was put back together, slowly, with care. Years later, the child, now an adult, heard someone knocking feverishly. She turned the light on and opened the door. Let's do this. Everything will be OK. And another mother, another child, another toy could breathe again. RICHARD --- Sample --- The call to come in to the clinic was unexpected. I had no idea why I was there because there were a range of problems I'd been seeing my doctor about for the past few months. It must be connected with one of them, but the question was, what exactly? Too busy to talk, a nurse ushered me into a room, thrust a plastic pot into my hand and told me to leave my sample at reception, then rushed off. A sample? Of what? Urine, sperm, saliva, stool? I filled the pot with the dregs of my coffee, and left. PLANET Z My doctor can be hard to set an appointment for sometimes, so I walk into the nearby urgent care clinic for minor things. In and out, McHospital to the rescue. My cat chewed up my leg and hand, and I was given antibiotics. My fireplace rained soot into my eye, and I got eye drops and a tube of goop to wash ...

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He looked for reassurance among his crewmates, but they would rag on him and make him feel worse. So, he turned to the Internet, and found it hard to connect with other pirates. Tha'st when he developed his own app: Shiver Me Tinders. All day long, pirates flicked through the profiles of other pirates and swiped left or right to vote on them. Then, some hackers raided the user database and stole credit card numbers and passwords. George was forced to issue refunds, apologies, and to walk the plank.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. When Elon Musk uploaded George's consciousness to the Singularity, he became the virtual representation of a pirate. Elon hadn't bothered to render anything else, so the digital version of George floated around an empty landscape. "Hello!" shouted George. "Is this Heaven?" There was no response. After a while, he became bored, and then went stark raving mad. He slashed himself with his sword, but he was unable to cause himself injury. George screamed for an end to his torment. Elon turned down the volume and went out for coffee.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Every time he managed to do something right, he yelled "WHO WANTS A HUG?" Nobody wanted a hug from George. The last guy who got a hug from George, George forgot that he had a dagger in his hand, and he stabbed the guy in the back. George realized that nobody wanted a hug, so he stopped offering them. Instead, he would yell "YO, FIST BUMP, BRO!" And, once again, he forgot to take the dagger out of his hand. At least he paid for Lefty's new steel hook.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He remembered in the cartoons when Charlie would try to kick the football and Lucy would pull the football away at the last minute. So, he pondered a way to do this with pirates. "What if I make someone walk the plank, but just as they're about to walk the plank, I pull it away and they end up falling in the shark-infested water?" said George. "Then they're still in the shark-infested water anyway," said the captain, walking away. George went back to his bunk and sulked for days.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He liked to go to the movies, but he hated when he had to go to the bathroom in the middle of a film. So, he'd try to go before the movie, but those Cokes always went through him quickly and he'd have to get up and go anyway. He'd try to get through the movie without a Coke, but he'd get thirsty, and get up to buy one. And then he'd have to go to the bathroom soon after. George gave up, and watched movies on home video.