The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Lisa Lizzie Richard Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is All our tomorrows RICHARD Beans I has beans every day, plenty of fibre in them, see. Scientists say it's good for you, all I knows is they makes me fart. Guess that's a good thing though: better out, than in, I says, just so long as you ain't downwind of me at the time. Ferocious, they are… pungent! But, I suppose that's one of the downsides of taking care of your body, occupational hazard, you might say. Of course, if I'm honest, it's not strictly true. I'm not really health conscious at all. I just loves my beans, with a passion. And farting, of course. SERENDIPIDY Just because we've been around for millennia, don't write us off. It doesn't mean that we're a bunch of has-beens. Even the forces of evil have to evolve with the times, otherwise how else are we going to stay relevant and a force to be reckoned with? Why do you think social media is so toxic, and there's so much disagreeable content online? As for the Dark Web, we invented it! One thing we won't touch though is artificial intelligence. We prefer to leave it well alone. Because we simply can't have AI taking over the world. That's our job! LISA Why Are We Here? "After the death of our parents, we partied. We partied pretty hard. We travelled. We travelled far and then returned here to the only house we’ve ever known feeling like has-beens. Thirty years old, stinking rich, and feeling like life had nothing left to offer us. It’s ludicrous, isn’t it?" He’d spoken for ages. The sofa, despite its softness, was feeling more uncomfortable than the basement. I felt I had to say something. My speech felt slurred when I spoke and the room felt a little blurry. “Where exactly do we fit in to this idea for a new community? LIZZIE The train station was still there. The door was locked. I peered through the window but couldn't see anything. The bike was rotting away at the usual place. The windsock was still flapping on the rusty pole. Back then I didn't understand why the station master wanted that windsock up there. Trains don't run on wind. The old station master would smile and say that the birds needed to know. But I never saw any birds. The station master would smile again and say, you don't? Look. And point to the sky. He saw birds, and that made me smile. TOM Cold Fusion In the land of the has beens is a tiny corner set aside for the never was-s. Rudy was in charge of this sad clump of lost souls. To be a has been you got to have been a been. Done something of at least marginal success. The never was-s came so close to that level, but just couldn’t get their head above the waters of failure. Rudy kept track of each “C-list” personality in an ever-growing ledger. Rudy got this gig after losing the Noble Prize seven times. I can’t quite remember what was his contribution to physics. 858 Millions of Arrows I am a fan of Japanese director Akira Kurosawa. After the war he set out to make films that would explain the American and European mindset. Seven Samurai was basically a western. Throne of Blood was a retelling of Shakespeare's Macbeth. In the over-the-top climax Generals Washizu played my Toshiro Mifune is driven mad by the trees of Spider's Web Forest "they have risen to attack us" he screams. A direct nod to Birnam Wood. What follows is millions of Arrows. End of the Magnificat Seven doesn’t hold a candle to Mifune's pitching about like a human pin cushion. NORVAL JOE Initially, everyone who passed Billbert sitting against the wall asked him what he was doing there. Hours later they all acted like he was invisible or just ignored him like he was some embarrassing has-been. Ten minutes before the end of visiting hours, a nurse opened the door. "Okay, Billbert. You have ten minutes. Then you need to leave." Sabrina lay as still as death in a yellow hospital gown.

Someone complained about Abraham Lincoln and his Gettysburg Address being on display in a university library, so the staff removed them, saying it had been part of a temporary exhibit, even though they had been on display for years. Then, at another library, a parent complained about Ru Paul's book, so the library pulled it from the shelves. People started complaining about everything, books, artwork, the chairs, the stairs... Pretty soon, there was nothing left in any library in America. Which offered plenty of room for drag queens to read stories to little kids. Until someone complained about that, too.

Someone smashed my car window and took some stuff. "Yeah, it happens," said the police. They gave me some paperwork to fill out. "Leave the doors unlocked," they said. "And don't leave anything in your car." My insurance company said "The deductible is five hundred dollars." So, I went to the repair shop, and they charged me... five hundred dollars. When they were finished, I smashed the store owner's car window. Then I drove to the insurance agent's office and smashed her car window, too. Because the police won't do anything, right? Oh, and they didn't leave their doors unlocked.

I remember a fireworks cake, long ago. When I was still too young to know better. "Those fireworks are for you," we'd say. The bruises on my face still sore from whatever transgression against her fragile, bitter ego. There's still a bit of red glitter in the car's cupholders. From the flowers I got her last year. The day that I found out she was a willing part of my father's plan to ruin me. They couldn't die fast enough. I should get the car fully detailed and cleaned out. And rid myself of her ghost once and for all.

When trailblazer Senator Betty Riley first went to Washington, she railed against the old men she was forced to suffer at the hands of. The sexist harassment and abuse, their constantly falling asleep in meetings, and carelessly letting their staffers run their offices. "You washed-up evil monsters!" she shouted. "You should retire to let fresh new perspectives in!" Fifty years later, decrepit and falling asleep in meetings, Betty let her own staffers run her office. Occasionally, they wheeled her to talk shows and woke her up long enough to shriek at detractors as being sexist and disrespectful of her elders.

Courtney raised a steer as part of her 4H classes. She never gave it a name or talked to it. Just wrote X on every form. It won competition after competition, until they got to the State Fair. They never managed a win there. But it did place, and at the auction, Courtney came away with enough scholarship money to pay her way through State. The steer ended up as steaks and burgers, and its horns adorned a Russian billionaire's golf cart. At her graduation, Courtney thanked her parents and her teachers. Not a single thought about X the steer.

So, kids are taking guns to schools and shooting their classmates and teachers. It doesn't matter if they were picked on, bullied, or abused. It's wrong. But for those people wanting to ban guns, well, it's impossible. And limiting magazine and clip sizes just means the kid carries more of them and reload. The solution is, of course, to build bigger and heavier guns. Ones that a kid can't carry. If it takes two or three kids to carry a gun, it can't be concealed easily. And maybe one of the kids will say "Maybe we shouldn't be doing this."

Lisa Lizzie Richard Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Has-beens LISA Our Adductor Explains “The wealth we have is beyond comprehension. This has, in some respects, made us into outsiders. Neither of us fit into traditional society or, indeed, like society. So, we would like to start something else. A sort of new community built on love and trusting. That’s why, you see, taking you all against your will wasn’t the right start for this. I’d prefer it if you’d chosen to be here in the first place. We both hope that now you’re here you’ll choose to stay with us. We won’t force anyone so please, do say if you’d rather leave.” RICHARD Outsider Even after all these years, I'm treated like an outsider. So what if I've lived here since I was a young man? I wasn't born here: That's why I'll never fit in. It doesn't matter to them that my accent is strange, or that my skin is a different colour. They don't care that I worship other gods and follow my own traditions. None of this bothers them. But they still watch me, with suspicion in their gaze; fall silent when I approach; they still keep their secrets from me. I was born an outsider, and an outsider I remain. TOM Outsider Frank and Bill met in grad-school. Both brilliant, top of class, destine for greatness. Frank became the consummate Insider. Walked the halls of powers. Knew the power elite. His council was sought out by the Half a Percent. Bill on the other hand was the consummate Outsider. He left no foot print in the corporal or the cyber world. Basically, he was off the grid, in deep cover. When Interpol finally caught up with Frank and sent him to the Hague for war crimes, it was Bill who sprung him. No one saw him coming no saw them go outside. 857 Crash My dad had Chutzpah. If there was an event in his neighborhood where free-food was served, he and my godfather Eddie would crash it in the most brazen ways. Friend of the groom to her family. Friend of the bride to his. One night he got hold of the mic and sang to the newlyweds. Even got their names wrong, but it didn’t matter, boy could he sell it. My dad crashed funerals. In Chicago wakes had excellent spreads. He could turn on the water-works on cue. One time he broke down in tear in the arms of the archbishop. SERENDIPIDY Another Outsider came today I threw stones at him, and he went away I just want to help, I heard him say But help from strangers isn't my way He'll be back again sometime, I know But I'll throw more stones, and away he'll go The Outsiders say they have my welfare at heart But I'd rather live my life apart From those who think they are so smart. Yet still they continue to come around They shout and yell when I go to ground. Why can't they all leave and let me be And remain Outsiders, just like me? LIZZIE The family and the outsider. The mother, the father, the brother, the sister. A family like so many. The hugs and the smiles. The praises and the photos. A family like any other. Everyone smiled. Everyone thought, what a wonderful family. So loving, so caring. The kids look so happy. Except for the outsider. She was not happy. Why do you always have to frown for the photos? Why can't you be quiet? Why can't you be more like your sister? Why do we even bother? The outsider was never hugged or praised... or loved. The outsider was her daughter. NORVAL JOE After three days of getting the same answer to his calls to the hospital, Billbert was fed up. He left school and went straight to the hospital. He picked up the phone outside the ICU and told the ward clerk he was there to see Sabrina Hecksaohos. "I've told you before, Billbert. Only family members can come in to visit." Frustrated, Billbert said, "And I told you before, I'm not some random outsider. I'm her only friend, and she needs me to see her. I'm going to sit here in the hallway, outside your door,

As I strolled down the avenue, I realized that my shadow was not my own. The embassy frequently warned us about rogue shadows, the shadows of their greatest and most successful spies. “Watch your back!” Say the posters. This is why all official business happens in specially-built light rooms, with light coming from all directions to purge any rogue shadows. Trapped in dark prisms and shadow boxes, kept in a massive safe. Until the enemy offers an exchange. Their captured shadows for ours. Lining up on the bridge, facing each other, flashlights and spotlights to ensure they are genuine.

The problem with naming things New is that they eventually become old. New Coke was a total flop, and Coke had to bring back their old formula. They called it Coke Classic, eventually dropping the Classic along with New Coke. New Wave music ruled the late 70's and early 80's, conquering consciousnesses through MTV. Until the fad was replaced with newer music, coming back now and then as retro through tribute acts. Then there's New York and New England. What's so new there? They're just old, dilapidated piles of rubble with the occasional bright and shiny sticking out of them.

I don't know what's so exciting about the home run derby. Some guy lobs easy pitches to a batter, and they slug them over the fence. Over and over and over. Where's the challenge in that? What I really want to see is the steal home plate derby. That's where the real excitement is, a guy stealing home. Although it's kind of hard to do in a derby, since they know the guy is going to try to steal home. So, instead, let's go with a Bench Clearing Brawl Derby. Give the winner a pickup truck. And an ice pack.

Elwood had a decent credit rating, so he got a lot of credit card offers in the mail. They were better than the high-interest service fee cards he'd gotten when he was poor and broke. But he looked at the cashback offers for the store cards, and he noticed that they paid out less than other general bank cards for the same category. So, he broke into his neighbors' mailboxes with better credit ratings, got cards in their names, and ran up huge tabs. Then he drove off to Mexico. At least the neighbors got good cashback on his fraud.

I like to walk to the grocery store every Saturday. If it's going to be a very hot day, I go as early as I can. And I take a route that's through a nice neighborhood with shady trees and wide sidewalks. There's joggers, people pushing strollers, and others going to the store or coming back from it with their bags. Today, I walked past a couple walking their two dogs. Well, one was laying on the ground, not moving, and another was sniffing it and whining. The couple was crying. Maybe it's too hot out to walk, after all?

When I broke my elbow, I was stuck in the emergency room with a phone at 3% battery and no cord or spare battery. A doctor let me borrow his charger so I could get texts out to friends, and they convinced the gift shop to send a cord to my hospital room. And cookies. And iced tea. And stuffed bears. Since then, I've had battery anxiety. I bought a plug-in hybrid car instead of a Tesla because of battery anxiety. And I panic when I see a coworker's shared desktop on Zoom when they're not plugged in and charging.

Lisa Lizzie Richard Serendipidy Justin the Space Turtle David Fairbanks Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Outsider JUSTIN THE SPACE TURTLE Three… You never know how it’ll turn out. You thought it would be amazing, as endless as anything can be this side of Heaven, and be a little slice of it. Two… surely it’s just a challenge, it will be OK, just try again, learn, try harder, be better. Push through the pain, do the best you can. One… It’s not right anymore, you say. You’re told you’re wrong, but also that you’re right, and it’s done. Zero… It’s over, gone, and there’s nothing left but the broken pieces of your life. And the struggle to keep what should remain. DAVID Officer Under Fire “Officer under fire!” blared across the radio. Andrew Macarthy had been in fistfights and gunfights, fended off dogs, and had cars crash into his own at breakneck speed. This experience put them all to shame, for a child held his fate. Constricted with no way out, a chill running over him, he could only wait. One shot fired, missing by inches. A second shot, a little closer. Andrew looked out the glass, where the child held his baseball with fiery eyes. The kid wound up and threw—bullseye! Andrew plunged into icy water with shocking effect. “Officer down!” the announcer cheered. RICHARD Officer Down "He's lying very still, Sarge… I think he's dead" The sergeant gave me a grim look, "Let's hope not. Bad enough having an officer down, without it becoming 'killed in the line of duty'" We inched forward, wary of hidden shooters but, as we neared the body, we sighed in relief at the sight of the rise and fall of his chest. He was breathing. No... Snoring! A nudge from my foot brought him to bleary-eyed, surprised, wakefulness. To be honest, I think the Sarge would have preferred 'killed in the line of duty' to 'sleeping on the job'! SERENDIPIDY You never know quite what the immediate future is going to bring. Any random action can result in unforeseen consequences; like that trip over a paving stone, that sends you flying helplessly into the path of a bus! Unlikely, I know, especially if you’re the cautious, careful type; but accidents can happen! Then again, it may be the random action of somebody else entirely that completely ruins your day. Like the moment I sneak quietly up behind you, and randomly push you into the path of that approaching bus. It wasn't me though. You tripped over that paving stone, right? LISA Gathered The fire crackled; my muscles, stiff from spending months on the floor, began to unknot in the warmth and comfort of the heavily cushioned sofa. “When I gathered the first of you it was a completely random action.” Our faces all grimaced at his word choice. “I’d just got the idea of starting something pure but, believe me, this really wasn’t the beginning I wanted for it. It felt like the exact opposite of what I wanted. I had no choice” He winced as if this was hurting him when it was us it affected. None of us had spoken. LIZZIE One, two, three, something… The numbers got jumbled in his head. He wanted to call her. He never understood why she had left. He was a caring husband. He yelled at her sometimes, true, but it was just to toughen her up. He always bought her flowers afterwards. The ungrateful would make a face and walk away. Two, three, something... No. He still loved her. But she abandoned him when he needed her the most. That punch was... Well, but she talked back. Three, one... He kept trying to remember it, not knowing that she had long changed her number. TOM Everyone has their Reason – Rule of the Game Morty had lived his life by other people’s rules. Parents, teachers, Bosses, wives, anyone of authority. He was old and dying inside. The logical option was finding some high bridge and take a swan dive.

When Fall comes, I like to move my laptop to the patio table and work from outside. Of course, I need a second monitor. And a power cable for the equipment. Maybe a large fan, when the breeze isn't blowing. Then there's the wireless keyboard and trackpad. And my phone. Don't forget the pitcher of iced tea. And lemons. And ice. When everything's set and ready, that's when the sun comes out. And that glowing orange murderball screams I WILL MURDER YOU WITH MY HEAT AND LIGHT! I pack everything back into my little cart and drag it back inside.

So many people on their timelines encourage others to vote. Sometimes for one candidate. Or the other. Or against one of the candidates, implying that you should vote for the other one. And then there's the general calls to vote, without any particular candidate in mind. Just vote. I don't ever endorse people to vote for a candidate. Or against one. Or even encourage people to vote. If you've ignored every other call to vote, for or against, or at all, and it's all down to what I think... Just give up. Tear up your registration card and go away.

Even though there's dog waste bag dispensers and disposal kiosks, people still walk their dogs and rarely pick up after them. It stinks, it's unhealthy, the shit's all over the sidewalk, and my laundry cart ends up rolling over the turds. So, I go from door to door with an ultrasonic dog whistle and blow it. If I hear a dog barking, I make a note and move on to the next door. After getting an inventory of dog owners, I wait until night, and then I shit on their welcome mats. "You're welcome," I shout, and run back home.

The chicken processing plant is a factory. Chickens, hung by their legs along a track. Their heads pulled off, their guts reamed out. Their feet chopped off for soup. Slashed and broken by workers with chain mesh gloves and the sharpest blades. Breasts, tenders, wings, thighs, legs. All tossed down chutes for packaging. The rest, we send to the priests. Who sacrifice the bloody mass to our Dark Lord. With his nine thousand faces, we scream out his name. He leaves a trail of blood and flame for us to follow. As the chicken processing plant fades into the darkness.

Of all the antiquated terms people use, I find "hanging up" the phone to be the most amusing. We used to hang the receiver on the phone to terminate the connection. Now, it's a button on a cell phone. Although pushing a button to cut off a call, depending on the type of phone, that's been around a while. Picking up a phone to take a call isn't always necessary. When we have headsets and speakerphones and car phones, we don't actually pick up the phone. And illegal, when you're driving. But I guess hanging up is my biggest hangup.