Kagro in the Morning

Well, at least another day brings us closer to finishing the vote counting. And that brings us closer to usable analyses. And because it’s Wednesday, Greg Dworkin can collect these analyses for us. There have been a sea of post-mortems, including several from blue island “survivors” adrift in red oceans, which are of varying levels of usefulness. Here’s one, though, from KY Governor Andy Beshear, which helpfully begins by letting us know who Andy Beshear is. And another, which posits that the youngest voters are… well… young. Like others before them! Speaking of usable analyses, how about the exact opposite of that? As in Trump’s cabinet picks and top appointments to date? They’re not useful, and they don’t do analyses. Take Pete “Pig Pen” Hegseth, for instance. (Please!) He says he doesn’t wash his hands, and he’d like to wash his hands of women in combat roles. As expected, most of the jobs are going to supplicants. And there are plenty of them out there! Although Speaker Johnson is beginning to hope (aloud) that no more of them come from House ranks. Oh, and speaking of House ranks, here’s a story that rankles: two Gop nutjobs conspired to try to sneak a play past during a pro forma session. So “WhyDontchaJust” do that all the time? Because if you haven’t got the juice, they’ll drag you back in by the collar and make you undo it. And how about that Elon Musk guy? He’s so annoying! How annoying is he? He’s so annoying, they write about it in India. His latest? The super-hilarious online meme joke, the “Department” of Government Efficiency. It’s not a department, and it’s so efficient, it has two bosses. They won’t be able to “efficiency” Jack Smith out of a job, though! He’s taking care of that himself. But at least he was still on hand to see the classified document thief go inside for 15 years! No, not that one. The other one!

David Waldman is back again plowing through another KITM cold bedraggled, and as all of us, undermedicated for the task at hand. David was out with this cold on Friday, and I wrote a summary to an imaginary KITM. The summary to that summary: Tech bros created Spanish language dialect sensitive AI chatbots algorithm linked to young male Latino social media accounts based on what countries they follow in soccer, or any other niche criteria. They then had disinformation and conspiracy theories tailored specifically to them, but with the ultimate goal being GOTV for Donald Trump. Or to sum up that summary, while we were door-knocking, they were TikTokking. So, President Donald Trump was… look, all that takes more typing than he’s worth. I’m going with D this term. D’s dictating his cabinet. No Hulk Hogan or Kid Rock, but he might be thinking SCOTUS with them. Susie Wiles will head up Apartheid when Elon’s busy and otherwise will be the focus of media fluff pieces on her grandmotherly charm. Elise Stefanik and Marco Rubio will… Wait, don’t they hate D? Doesn’t he hate them? Sure, they all hate each other. Never Trumpers are just Trumpers who haven’t been assigned a position yet. Which brings us to Jonathan V. Last and the Bulwark, who urge us to let the Reich be the Reich, those things historically burn themselves out in around 4 years or so, no worries. Kevin Roberts, chief architect of Project 2025, hasn’t found a Reichstag to burn, but does have an otherwise well-rounded list of incendiary targets. Roberts has named the Boy Scouts and Loudoun Schools, but conspicuously snubbed David Waldman for his pyre. Schools urge parents to be more sympathetic to the sexual harassing children. Black people are urged to pick cotton. Vladimir Putin is itching to take his new country out for a test drive, after all he was promised 24-hour delivery. The Russia-Ukraine war will be over in a day… that is, if no one else objects. Russian TV broadcast images of Melania Trump nude with the United States Seal behind her. If you want a picture of Melania with a Navy Seal behind her, it’ll cost you extra. Judge Juan Merchan delayed his immunity decision in the NY hush money case, because, why not? Phil Williams, who we needed 500 more of the last ten years, has joined Bluesky.

David Waldman, brought to you by Cold-EEZE®, brings us a Monday KITM. How have we failed? Here, let Greg Dworkin count the ways. Turns out that we were all kinds of stupid until a few days ago, but far too dumb for it to dawn on us until now. We were idiots, idiotic in myriads of interconnected ways that will require this program and others years to explore in full. First mistake, we elected Joe Biden. Then we tried to elect a Black woman. I mean, what were we thinking? We simply forgot to pretend we were what we are not, which is either a tried and true political technique, or the reason that people hate politicians… one of those. The news will explain which one it is to us soon, I hope. What do us dummies get for our lack of intelligence? A brand-new streamlined government that won’t ever need to slow down to get our opinions on everything. Heck, we won’t even need a president soon. President Musk… well, acting president Trump demands that the next Senate leader allow recess appointments, so that the next Senate leader can be the leader of nothing. Trump could skip the legislative branch to directly corrupt the judicial branch, thus more than doubling his available golfing hours... Elon already picked Rick Scott for Donald, so when is tee time? The only thing we have going for us is that they are even more stupid, if that’s possible. Rudy Giuliani got a handout of $200 thousand to keep him from starving to death or ever having to apply for a SNAP card.

Not a great time to be stricken by a nasty cold, but that’s among the many unfortunate turns we’ve been dealt this week! But we haven’t been carted away in irons just yet. We’ll be back on Monday. But until then, it’s another time-travel episode. As usual, the theme is “this time last year.” Because “what it was like last time we did this” was just too much. A year ago today... The collective sigh of relief here at KITM World Headquarters probably delayed our first local snowfall by weeks. Host David Waldman and Guest Star Greg Dworkin are here today to do whatever the opposite is of “fret” … (We might not have a word for that.) We won. That is, we the people of the United States who care about democracy and what not. Dems romped, Gops flopped, pretty much everywhere, notably in Ohio, as voters knew Republican gaslighting by heart after seeing it being used to failure in state after state before them. Freedom and liberty continue to reign as the Buckeye State turns a new leaf. Ohio Republicans pledge to continue to fight freedom, liberty and the rights of individuals until their last breaths. Virginia won big by helping Glenn Youngkin lose big. Loudoun County of course did their state proud. Even Pennsylvania triumphed and extended their Democratic majority. Pundits wonder if all this winning should worry Joe Biden and embolden Donald Trump, and someone continues to pay them. Someone keeps paying House Republicans also, including even Marjorie Traitor Greene. At least Marge is out there proposing some staff cuts. Republicans understand that the biggest obstacle to their governing would be democracy, and no one is more behind that idea than Donald Trump. George Stephanopoulos would like to know where people stand on this before his interviews. Hey, now that you’re in a good mood, isn’t it a great time to consider donating to one or more grassroots campaigns as we head into the Big One next November?

Let’s see… We lost Tester and Brown. We kept Greene and Boebert. And soon both Biden and Trump will be spending more time brushing up on their golf. Why does it feel like the math isn’t right? David Waldman and Greg Dworkin try to help cypher it out. First things first, whose fault is it? Maybe anti-incumbent sentiment drove voters to the former President running for his third or fourth term, or it was the insidious far left media… or maybe a plurality of dumbass voters just like Trump. Young Latino males made a huge shift to Donald Trump. Was it economic anxiety? Racism? Sexism? Well, yes… but who motivated them to vote? Gops win elections through voters who don’t trust the government. Therefore, once elected they will strive to make it less trustable. People made poor then vote for people to make them poorer. Here in Ohio, there was a campaign to reduce gerrymandering, and a campaign to confuse voters about what they were voting for. I can tell you that an issue that takes up more than 2 pages of a ballot to describe is pretty tempting to skip over. David can tell you about how this trick has been used before. Will Trump go to jail? No. Will Trump be sentenced? No. Will anyone connected to Trump’s crime sprees go to jail? No… Other than Jack Smith, maybe.

The good news is that we won’t be reading all the Post and Times articles telling us it’s time to reach out to MAGA, across the aisle to Gops, pardon Trump to unite the country, etc. Otherwise, you know, it sucks. Our bubble was fun and all while it lasted, but theirs turned out to be a bit more accurate. Probably because theirs now speaks in many national, regional, and local Spanish dialects, and we use Google Translate. It was Hispanic vs. Women’s outreach, and the women won when it was something that didn’t involve men, like pregnancy. David Waldman showed up to work today, and Greg Dworkin had a Raft O’ Stories™, which we sunk in the harbor after we keelhauled the pollsters and fed them to sharks. Oh, a few items washed up on shore... Russian fake bomb threats, FBI impersonators, billionaire ratfuckers, bad cops, Supreme Court Justices with multiple allegiances… little things that used to feel kind of relevant but are simply microscopic compared to what’s next. Wait, don’t leave sad! There must be some good news around here… Ann Johnson Stewart won a special election which gave DFL control of the Minnesota Senate! And uhm, Democrats broke the Republican supermajority in the North Carolina General Assembly! Hooray!

David Waldman counts down the days until Thanksgiving and Christmas… both due in about 4 days if all goes well… Gops cut the money to monitor elections, making it much easier for MAGA to create problems. Trump’s Supreme Court skips Congress, the Constitution, precedence, whatever, to disenfranchise voters. Donald Trump relentlessly lies, cynically grifts, maniacally rants, and viciously threatens... Every. Single. Day. Donald Trump wants you to accept this as normal. And we are… at least half of us, or maybe, maybe, a few less than half of us. 10 years ago, the only thing normalized about Trump was his raping… Okay, his racism, fraud, criminal connections, ineptitude, too. Maybe a few more things… maybe a lot more things. Family man Elon Musk was considered a bit weird back in the day as well. People who vote in person can be terrorized. People who use drop boxes can be terrorized as well. A so far pretty unsuccessful ballot box burner is being described as a balding 40-year-old white male against occupying Gaza, into metal crafts, and driving a Volvo on the streets of Portland… well, that cuts it down. Meta’s weaknesses are many, as their defenses seem mostly reactive, and bots are designed to actively exploit them. A Russian court ordered Google to pay $20 decillion, making Trump wish he went bigger in his $10 billion lawsuit against CBS. Donald will probably go quattuordecillion in his upcoming lawsuit against Trump Media. Kenneth Chesebro won’t be his lawyer, though. They say that the only thing that can stop a bad government database of gun owners is a good government database of gun owners. Tucker Carlson only wishes that the demons he sleeps with would have the common courtesy to trim their nails before they came to bed.

Happy Halloween! Even David “Wooooo” Waldman and Greg “Disquieting” Dworkin can’t scare us any more than we already are. For Halloween, Donald Trump appeared in Wisconsin sporting his unwiped butthole face accessorized by a reflective vest and came so tantalizingly close to falling on his head before taking a ride in a garbage truck… in the front this time. Garbage-Man, Garbage-Man! Toss him into that garbage can. Blocking peen, any size, MAGA eats it up, just like flies! Look out! Here comes the Garbage-Man! But wait… what do the polls say? They say it’s a close one, and about 10 people’s votes will count. Ah, but which 10 is now the question, eh? It’s time for some 19th Amendment solutions for our problems. More than half of us will vote before election day, with some surprising niches backing Kamala Harris, like Arnold Schwarzenegger! Who knows who will pop up tomorrow, but they probably won’t be for Donald Trump. KITM Senior Amenities Correspondent Darwin Darko is not positively Yelping the Kamala Harris Eclipse overflow space experience but figures it could be a sign of her campaign’s overperformance. Kamala is getting a few Halloween treats, so Gops are working on some Mike Johnson tricks to even things out. Yet, they keep forgetting to leave the bag on the step when they light it on fire to run away. The Trump Supreme Court is fine tuning their voter disenfranchisement with 1600 voters tossed to them from Glenn Youngkin. Want to see something scary? Check out this North Carolina superintendent race.

We’re under a week to go! Well, under a week until we transition into Trump’s post-election chaos plans. We’re also on Day 3 of fallout from the Madison Square Garden debacle. So it was high time that the Gop attempt to manufacture some counter-outrage. But it didn’t take, largely because Kamala Harris supporters turned out so, well, largely, at the Ellipse. Greg Dworkin was on hand to round up the day’s news and themes, commentary on the strength of the economy, late-breaking state-of-the-race items, and of course, reminders of what’s at stake. Quants will enjoy parsing the stats on early, in-person (EIP) voting, and some more of those polls that can’t actually tell you much. Why can’t they tell you much? Well, we’ve got that, too. Oh, and speaking of EIP voting, do you know why that’s so much better to do in Connecticut than voting absentee, now that it’s available to you? Greg does! As if to signal the end of the Era of the Newspaper, Gannett and others now join the parade of non-endorsing papers. But the Gannett order goes much further than just their flagship, USAToday. And it also turns out that the manipulation at the LA Times goes much further, as well. The panic is setting in over in the Trump camp, so the accusations are ramping up. And as you know, Every Republican Accusation is a Confession.™ So what are they confessing to? Well, in Pennsylvania, it’ll be fake video of “vote” tampering. In Minnesota, it’s just plain voter fraud. While in Indiana, it’s a ballot theft. By someone who was, just recently, on the ballot. Somehow, though, repeatedly getting caught does not persuade Republicans that voter fraud — let alone large-scale voter fraud — would actually be quite difficult. From TikTok World comes a reminder that even old news can be new news to somebody. In this case — because it’s TikTok — it’s “the kids.” And “the kids” are alright. Although we definitely feel their pain as they discover, for the first time as adults, the Access Hollywood tape. More specifically, what it means to find out that their fathers, uncles, brothers, pastors, etc. knew about this years ago, and have been voting for Trump ever since. Still to come, if the story can break through some time in the near future: Elon Musk, immigration hypocrite. What? No way!

It’s Tuesday, the day David Waldman reserves to discuss the latest happenings with KITM’s leading political expert, himself. Hey, have you heard the latest jokes from Donald Trump’s New York rally? They’re being told and retold across the US. Some people laughed. Many people didn’t. Imagine the hilarity had the woke organizers not censored everyone. No one has a sense of humor anymore. No one, except whoever decided to let Steven KG Bannon out of jail 6 days before the election. That’s some humor there. Who was at Donald’s lovefest? Somebody definitely knows. Trump’s axis insist, “Nein, wir sind keine Nazis! Das ist ein Liebesfest!” Trump promises to hire Elon Musk if elected. Donald might need Elon to run Truth Social. Also, Trump doesn’t need FBI vetting his appointees. Donald knows what he’s looking for. David had wondered what would happen if ballots in drop boxes were destroyed. Apparently, so did an arsonist or two in a few states so far. Of course, there is more than one way to destroy a ballot, and MAGAs are working on them all. Remember Kamala Harris Jeff Bezos still can’t quite recall the name

David Waldman counts down the days until it all ends. Hopefully not everything... but hopefully most things. Meanwhile, Greg Dworkin counts how many items he can place onto the KITM story conveyor belt before his hour is up. Sunday’s MAGANAZI rally in New York might be Donald Trump’s last big rally, wouldn’t that be nice? Other than that, there was nothing nice about it. It turns out that a lot of straight white men think it’s uniquely edgy hilarious to joke about people who aren’t them, especially with setups and punchlines at a minimum over a century old. Gags that apple head dolls Newt and Callista laughed at back in the day are somehow brand new again. The original German has now become the original Trump. If Donald had said the opening quips for instance, no one would have noticed. In fact, corporate media would not have noticed this had pesky readers not pointed it out to them. Who knew there were Puerto Ricans in the United States? Clearly, after all that crap, the winner is Kamala Harris… Other than the fact that I just shared about twenty links on Trump with you before a single Harris one… Little shards of attention being passed around a million different ways about Trump, good or bad, are still about Trump. Trump’s where the clicks are, the clicks are where the money is, and the money doesn’t want to upset that. Good thing that elections aren’t won by clicks, yet. Still, Republicans have held thousands of zoom meetings to manufacture misinformation in order to dismantle democracy. If Trump gets in, he will make certain that no one is bothered by the details of what he’s up to ever again.

Ah, Friday! What a great way to kick off the weekend. Even one we know will likely be kind of stressful! But longtime friend-of-the-show Ian Reifowitz has an abundance of (appropriately tempered) optimism to share with you! Starting with early voting information, which we can get away with because Greg wasn’t here. But you don’t have to just take his word for it. You can take his word for the fact that someone else’s word says there’s reason for optimism. There’s a new sequel to “economic anxiety” coming out. People may be wrong about what’s happening, why, and what to do about it. But they’ve each got a vote. Leon Musk’s voter “lottery” is probably illegal, the DOJ says. But “Who gives a crap about the law?”, Musk says. You know who else doesn’t give a crap about the law, but does not look like a deflating basketball? Jared Kushner! Isn’t that guy basically a paid agent of Saudish Arabia? Brad Raffensperger says there won’t be any non-citizens voting in Georgia this time. And yet, this will make Donald Trump even madder at him. Remember that optimism Ian left us with? Let’s destroy it! Trump’s path to cheating his way back into the White House is narrower than ever, but are there armed weirdos out there who are crazy enough to try it? Sure. Welcome to would-be-Mogadishu, North Carolina.

David Waldman brings us the Thursday KITM which is still mostly preoccupied with election news, even though it’s, like weeks away. Greg Dworkin warns us to not pay much attention to or rely on polls at this point… So, let’s talk polls! Generally, several are very good, and the ones that aren’t, aren’t so bad. People sure are voting, though, which is nice, especially when you are trying to elect someone. The voting bloc really going for Harris is made up of Republicans who know Donald Trump, the more familiar they are, the more likely they are voting Kamala. Does the ideology or objectivity of any journalist really matter, when their owners and bosses are the opposite? Elon Musk wants world domination for the lulz, and isn’t afraid to spend a fraction of his day’s pay to get it. None of lazy grifter Musk’s scams are awfully clever or original but are unique only in how much money he puts into them and how much he expects to take out. Elon’s partnership with lazy grifter Donald Trump might be failing due to the enemy within… thousands of small-time lazy grifters. If only they had the kind of generals that Adolf Hitler had! Trump sounds pretty fascist to former General John F. Kelly, and also to Kamala Harris.

Listening to David Waldman and today’s KITM is part of your civic duty, but only part. Now is the time to phone bank, or door knock. Enjoy the foliage, listen to us on your buds. Donald Trump mocked minimum wage earners while cosplaying one at a Potemkin McDonald’s, which is weird, as Donald does dislike being seen as one of the little guys. Trump sure isn’t the sort to turn down implants though if he saw an advantage, therefore he might be up for a brain implant, even if it was linked to Elon’s Bluetooth… Technocratic government conspirators have wanted to install a utopian one-world government for ages, but all of a sudden that doesn’t sound like a bad thing anymore to the rich tech bros out to bitcoin the economy, uber the workforce, and John Galt their incelness. Back in the real world, infants are dying at higher rates following abortion bans in the US. A top Florida health department attorney finally quit his job of threatening TV stations with prosecution if they did not stop airing ads that Ron DeSantis didn’t like. According to a Montana park ranger, and several factual records, Senatorial candidate/dick Tim Sheehy shot himself, then incriminated fellow soldiers to make himself sound better. Not too good of a plan, and it didn’t work.

David Waldman will be presenting only a dozen more KITMs before the election, and this here is one of them! Arnold Palmer is world renowned, and universally admired for a myriad of accomplishments and attributes. So, you can guess which Donald Trump would remember and admire him for, right? Meanwhile, if you had ever wanted to see an impressive poll, you knew that you could always check in with Greg Dworkin. This year however, pollsters want to make it clear that no one should trust them to provide anything of any value whatsoever. Want a prediction? Look elsewhere. That said, let’s whip them out and see what we’re working with. Well, Trump’s might be tightening, but Kamala’s still a little bigger. Strangely, it depends on what you put in there for scale, 2020, or 2022, and you need to consider those differences in propensity. There are somewhat fewer early votes than 2020, but still a whole lot of early votes. Again, conclude away, but no promises. Arnold’s putts aren’t Trump’s only obsession. Ronald McDonald Trump got to pretend to be a fry cook, a truck driver, and President of the United States. Brain surgeon and double aught secret agent are still on the wish list. Fellow rich guy working through his fantasies, Elon Musk only wants to p’wn the world, starting with Donald Trump and moving out from there. Watch how funny the peasants dance for $100! What will they do for a million? Musk isn’t interested in buying democracy though, only trolling mankind. (Timothy Mellon already bought the government.) Who needs to run the world anyhow? So many details! No fun at all.

David Waldman remains our source for political and cultural analysis and is almost certainly not AI generated. AI bots, as expected, prefer Donald Trump and Gops. Once we create reply-bots, all social media will be just bots arguing with each other, then we all can find something more constructive to do. “Donald Trump” was a character introduced on The Apprentice in the 2000’s which gained a form of monstrous sentience, sort of, and now roams the countryside as a Norman Vincent Peale asshole menacing the unsuspecting. The monster craves affirmations, which never satiates it, but only increases its boorish danger. Could this week’s developments change the race? Meh. You should see next week’s developments! Donald Trump set insurrectionists on foot on Jan 6. Now he states that he is one of them. Election deniers might boobytrap voting drop boxes. Who knows what Trump will do when he gets back in power? No, really, who knows? Other than Trump, no one needs a Trump takeover more than Elon Musk, who might need to make his own country if he can’t buy this one. Did you know that voting can reduce the chances of a Trump presidency? Wives are reminded that no one sees their vote at the polls, although some know differently. A Georgia woman had to wait 80 years to have nobody looking over her shoulder. Megan Marshack dies at 70, as so perhaps her secrets. A strain of influenza died… Thanks Covid!

David Waldman brings us a Thursday KITM without Greg Dworkin, who’s still on assignment covering ongoing Canadian Thanksgiving celebrations, most likely. Kamala Harris paid her dues on Fox News yesterday, where today they’re calling her everything they can think of, except perhaps “shrill” for some reason. Donald Trump boogied onto venues rigged to not trigger the old fart, and yet old farting was all he offered. Donald claims that he wasn’t aware that he was the Father of IVF until it was explained to him. But he did admit that he was an insurrectionist on January 6. Judge Tanya Chutkan will probably take that confession over the phony boloney his lawyers are peddling. Elon Musk spent $100 million to create a web of disinformation around Project 2025, called "Progress 2028". Someone you know has recently or soon will send you a link to it in order to prove something to you. Donald Trump is either going to jail or he’s not. What’s one more Fifth Avenue shooting to him at this point? What’s one more porn star bribe? What’s a little more creative bookkeeping? What’s JD Vance’s advisor smoking? Everything!