Kagro in the Morning

We’re already off to an unlucky start this Friday the 13th! Social media is exploding with speculation over whether Laura Loomer is steaming Donald Trump’s pants, so to speak. Murdery Traitor Greene, freshly targeted by a face-eating leopard, isn’t sure what Loomer is doing, but knows she doesn’t like it. But all you have to do is decide how much popcorn you want. We doubled back for a more detailed look at RFK Jr.’s cynical play in North Carolina. Sounds like it’s all the excuse Gop election board officials will need to claim grounds to refuse to certify election results there. JD Vance and Donald Trump are destroying Springfield, OH for what we can only guess is what they think is their political advantage. But it’s far from clear that local parents are glad their children’s schools are being swatted. Trump’s sure it’s all true, though, because he saw it on television. Which he did not. And the one local parent we’re actually hearing from would like politicians to stop exploiting his son’s death, thank you very much. Speaking of racist lies, here’s the background on another one that Trump told during the debate. No, no Venezuelan gang has taken over an apartment complex in Aurora, CO. But a local landlord facing a mounting pile of health and safety code violations—and a local Gop pol—wants you to think they have. With that one also debunked… have another lie! This time, to “explain” why Harris performed well, even it it doesn’t excuse why Trump sucked. And finally, here’s one you’ll have to finish yourself over the weekend. Maybe you’re not quite convinced that Trump returning to power will actually result in the flashy shows of political violence and/or authoritarian dominance he promises. But there are ways his lackeys plan to use the federal bureaucracy to make life a living hell for political opponents, like denying government benefits, services or assistance to… anyone they just don’t like.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin present their post post debate analysis and yes, they will be endorsing Kamala Harris for president! They aren’t the only ones. Liz Cheney, and her father — DICK! are favoring Harris, along with former AG and White House Counsel, Alberto Gonzales — DICK! On the other hand, Kamala has support from Taylor Swift and Linda Ronstadt (No word yet on the coveted Rex Smith vote) There’s also a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor. Yep, looks like Kamala might have this popular vote thing locked up. Meanwhile, Haitians stealing ducks is the new Blacks stealing chickens, a trope that hasn’t really evolved much over the last couple of hundred years, has it? And why should it? Plenty of potential voters yearn for that good old-fashioned anti-American bigoted conspiratorial propaganda. It isn’t that Donald Trump no longer knows how to talk to anyone outside his base… it is that he doesn’t need to. Trump wasn’t joking, he just wants to find those 11,780 votes. Why waste his time and hundreds of millions of dollars trying to influence tens of millions of TikTok zombies, when only a few million bucks of rural doorknockers can move a few thousand nonvoters into an electoral victory? Stephen Miller makes a lot more sense now (relatively speaking), as well as Laura Loomer, who rightfully horrifies Marjorie Taylor Greene as Marge is guaranteed to be the first up against the wall once the new regime commences. And yet we few remaining TV watchers pray that the fact-checkers and undecided voter panels get the job done... C’mon Swifties!

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin had concepts of a plan going into today’s KITM, and as usual it turned out really well for them. Today, we must remember September 11th, even those of us who don’t remember September 11. The presidential candidates head out to memorial services, and at least one will be talking about the events of that day. Donald Trump kind of lost the plot 23 years ago, so there is the chance he might weave in a few extraneous topics. Hey, that debate! An MMA cage match might have been about as relevant and a lot quicker, but in the end the results were the same: Down! Goes! Trump! It turns out that Kamala Harris is good at this stuff, so let’s just bring it on! Hold up... Trump says he won the debate, by a lot, and or it was rigged, “Sir, you were so strongly”, many say, but most don’t know that… the late, great, Hannibal Lecter... Remember, whatever Donald Trump doesn’t know, undecided voters know far less, or of course they would not remain undecided voters… maybe. They could be worse — an RFK Jr. voter.

David Waldman has been counting the days until Greg Dworkin returns, as that is a much more predictable and a lot more rewarding than waiting for justice to come to Donald Trump. 88% of all Nates are 100% wrong about the election, but which wrong are they? 2016 wrong? 2020 wrong? Time will tell! It depends on who you ask. Black Americans? Jewish Americans? Veterans? Liz Cheney is voting for Kamala, and so is Dick Cheney… DICK! Like pollsters, Corporate Media also needs to make their house payments, therefore they’re selling tickets to their “debate” that will decide the election for all of us, somehow. Except for those of us who don’t want a woman president, of course. If we can get past them, then good luck voting! Gops are using "great replacement fears" to shut out voters. The Heritage Foundation’s own “deportation scientist” discovered that lying about voter fraud works best with the gullible and those willing to accept lies. Donald Trump, as usual, was way ahead of the scientists on this. Trump understands that once elected he will need every dimwit violent bigot on his side, if he hopes to round up all the rest. Other fascistic savants include Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, raiding Latino Democrats' homes and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, having police visit people who signed abortion rights petitions. Meanwhile, James O'Keefe is working his way down the ladder in his political stings. Waffle House night managers should watch what they say to that guy with the price tag on his trucker cap stirring his coffee with a dildo. James and Donald know when it comes to billable hours it’s always Russia, Russia, Russia!

David Waldman counts down the days until… until the election, I guess. Liberal Thinking (‘m not sure what his friends call him, but I suspect there are some who call him “Lib”) tells us about the factors in Donald Trump’s “sentencing”. Remember that debate that Donald Trump thought he was going to at Fox on September 4? Donald didn’t find that debate, and the people who tuned in didn’t find a town hall either. The New York Times thought that they attended a discussion on economics, and for some reason decided to pretend that they had, even though all reality indicated otherwise. Donald continues to battle reality at Arlington Cemetary. It turns out that breaking the rules breaks the rules, and not breaking the rules doesn’t break the rules. The father of the Georgia school shooting suspect has also been arrested and charged. You know who would have preferred more stringent gun regulation? The Founding Fathers. Ace KITM Correspondent Rosalyn MacGregor tells us of the Michigan sheriff under investigation by the Bureau of Elections for using his department to host a Donald Trump campaign stop. Residents later attempted to scrub away the stain of White Supremist bigotry but will have a tougher time getting rid of that Donald Trump stench. Yes, Bethany Mandel is an obnoxious pest, but NE Ohioans know well her abrasive gadfly brother-in-law, Josh Mandel. Hell holds no surprises for anyone who attends one of their holiday meals. And yet, Josh wasn’t Sofa King weird enough to beat JD Vance into the Ohio Senate, and Donald Trump’s big fat… heart. Accelerationists like to pour gasoline on everything, figuratively and literally. They use the Telegram app to make plans with like-minded people.

Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin address the fundamental question consuming the attention of every true American this morning: Why doesn’t KITM make a LOT more money? For the price of only 20,408 cups of coffee per episode, certain commentators and influencers at Tenet Media have had their days brightened, thanks to you… Well, not “you”, but “Vladimir Putin”. Of course, we KITM staff have way too much integrity and imposter syndrome to consider something like that, or any of my other suggestions... alas. So, let’s pull up our lederhosen, wade through the schadenfreude, and look up some backpfeifengesicht out there, such as Tim Pool, Joshua Treviño, Ben Domenech, and Seth Mandel, but mostly Pat Toomey. Of course, one person’s “punchable face” is another’s “willing stooge”. With the Gop it is usually both. State Republicans have renominated 14 of their 84 fake electors and are finding ways to pay off the rest. Meanwhile, Liz Cheney has endorsed Kamala Harris for president. Burgermeister of backpfeifengesicht, Donald Trump is the world’s most willing stooge, and ready to sell anything, especially himself, anywhere at any time. Unfortunately for Donald, his weaving ain’t so tight anymore, and even MAGA is beginning to notice. If you know what accelerationists are, you can understand why they Telegram. By the way, today the nation is Under the Cloud of a Mass Shooting™.

You know what’s wrong with this world? Not enough shows with David Waldman and Greg Dworkin. This is their first KITM this month! Hey look everybody, they’re having an election! Watch where you’re stepping, savvy reporters, it’s once again time to walk amongst the hoi polloi. Now that we’re all paying attention, how about them polls? Kamala Harris is ahead! Wait, she’s behind! It’s so confusing! Oh no, don’t make us ask a Nate! Well, Harris is on the top end of most polls, which is a good place to be, no matter how you look at it. Women are finally dropping Trump, as abortion rights finally becomes the last straw. Fun misogynist Donald Trump and his weird ward JD Vance hate talking about yucky women stuff, but that is just the topic Democrats want to discuss. The corporate press still wants to talk about Donald Trump. Kamala does not, and that’s driving the press and the Gops out of their minds. Harris is outspending Trump in swing states, but if Donald ever thinks of anything that might work in an ad, he’ll be ready. RFK Jr. finds that it’s hard to run for vice president when he’s still running for president. One of the great things about the advent of the internet is that porn shop clerks no longer have to talk to lunatics like Mark Robinson every single day. The Girl Scouts still have to watch Mark’s greasy hands around their cookies, however. Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman are amazingly not in prison. But if you ask their coworkers or their employers, they’ve never heard of them.

Hey, it’s the day after Labor Day, and you know what that means! For one, it means that it’s Tuesday, which means that not only is David Waldman back live, but so is Joan McCarter! Also, it’s the day that millions across the nation awake in the morning, craw out of their burrows, see their shadows, and realize the need to figure out who they will vote for. Kamala Harris and Tim Walz have already risen to the challenge, while Donald Trump and JD Vance extended their weekend. By the way, Snopes states that no one has yet verified that the specimen jars carried by Trump supporters contained “fake” JD Vance semen… I guess they need local couch cushions for a match? That awkwardly segues us into Trump’s promise to make government socialistically provide IVF treatments for gay couples and single cat ladies. Good for him! Although Donald might not have considered how his stance might affect IUI families, and the sensibilities of his Vice President, or even his previous Vice President. Meanwhile, the Harris-Walz team heads to Florida with a clearer stance. September also is the beginning of Congress’s legislative sprint, although there really wasn’t anything keeping them from starting earlier. House Gops now have only a few weeks left to impeach Joe Biden. If you had time set aside to head to Bedminster to attend the gala in honor of January 6th rioters, or have your photo taken giving a thumbs up standing on Donald Trump’s freshly dug grave, you will be disappointed as both events have been again postponed. Public school teachers, already overworked and underpaid, are now expected to perform surprise sex change operations on their students.

Taking the day off -- again -- is the only sensible approach to Labor Day. Not that we've always done it. But we're doing it now, using this particular episode a second time, so that's what matters. It also gives us a chance to reflect on the fact that we're now marking two years since Biden's "Battle for the Soul of the Nation" speech. And while it's gratifying to see a few people FO what happens when they FA, we're a long way from done. Though one difference between this year and last: it has felt much more to me like that "Battle for the Soul of the Nation" was really happening. Here's how it felt two years ago, at the outset: David Waldman annotates our reading assignments for the weekend: President Joe Biden appeared before our entire nation last night to address the Soul of our Nation. Well, most of our nation. If all you have are rabbit ears on your TV you might have missed out. Joe believes in the goodness of Americans, including most Republicans. Biden did single out that deplorable sub-group of “MAGA Republicans”, pro-insurrection, anti-democratic, anti-American and a danger to everyone. Republicans respond angrily. MAGA Republicans respond angrily-er. Give the corporate media a minute to figure out what the real offenses might be. Much of this started with Newt Gingrich. Michigan reveals anti-democracy in action when the largest number of signatures submitted for a ballot initiative in state history were rejected by the two Republicans on the election board. The DOJ filed a detailed property inventory on the items seized at Mar-a-lago. Donald Trump never trusted anyone else with classified documents and had to take care of unloading them all himself. He was almost finished when the present President of the United States decided he had executive privilege over his remaining stock.

Normies are all still talking about Arlington. Good! The journalists, of course, are anxious to move on to the burgeoning scandal of Kamala Harris sitting down for an interview with CNN. Clearly there’s something wrong with this! At a minimum, they’d have to make sure Trump retains an advantage in his grading curve. Governor Moderate Vest’s flagship public university may be going the way of Meatball Ron. Brad Raffensperger and Brian Kemp wouldn’t do Trump’s bidding last time around. But will nuisance lawsuits and new rules adopted by MAGA officials clear the way to change their minds, or harden their resolve? Amazingly, it might actually be the latter! Don’t get the wrong idea, though! MAGA Gop loons in other “red” states are still intent on running wild. And Rosalyn MacGregor reports that things haven’t settled down crazy-wise in Michigan, either, where the weirdos are on a swatting tear. And with just 19 days left before Trump’s still-scheduled sentencing in New York, Liberal Thinking has done some… liberal thinking about how that could and should go.

Today, David Waldman presents today’s KITM, and in a respected and well-established Thursday precedent, Greg Dworkin will join him for a portion of the discussion. What a maroon! Illiterate egotistic traitorous dotard Donald Trump visited Arlington National Cemetery with the sole purpose of gaining attention. Mission Accomplished. Trump staff (featuring rehire Corey Lewandowski) are quite accustomed to treating dead soldiers as doormats, as well as the live ones, so how were they to know a simple felony photo-op “thumbs up” among Arlington's freshest graves would garner such negative vibes? Especially once the key witness was silenced. Trump will say it’s Biden’s fault. Journalists will write down “Biden’s fault”, which will be fact-checked as “true”. Our tiny speck of shared reality is being fought over memes, and at the moment they are shooting themselves in the foot. If anything gets shot, RFK Jr. will eat it. Every moment of Donald Trump’s life has been a penny-ante flimflam, which you can now pay for in crypto. Meanwhile, the Kamalamentum continues its rise. Jeremy Fryberger’s multipart KITM series describes how you can become involved locally, and why you should do so NOW. Today, Jeremy looks at the situation in Minnesota!

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin deliver the newest news on today’s KITM. Reindicted! And it feeeels soo goooood! Jack Smith has charged Donald Trump in a superseding indictment following Judge Aileen Cannon’s phony baloney dismissal, but without setting off the Supreme Court’s phony baloney booby traps. Meanwhile, Donald Trump shrinks into his tiny hands. Smaller, weaker, more irrelevant each day. Yappy little toy Donald can yet be pretty nippy, and worse is even more obsessed with marking his territory. It will be impossible to remove Trump’s stench from Arlington National Cemetery. Of course, reporting on Trump’s thugs just make them seem like a bigger menace, which is their goal. A Georgia State Election Board member worked with MAGA to setup the denial of 2024 election Following Harris and Walz through Georgia, the media can finally move on from wondering when Kamala and Tim’s first interview will be to wondering when their second interview will be. Trump hasn’t quite agreed to all of Harris’ demands on their upcoming debate. (But he will.) Kamala just gets bigger and bigger. RFK Jr. hates Donald Trump. MAGA/QAnon are happy with him though, especially those who can’t spell RFK Jr. anyway.

David Waldman is here! No one else showed up, so today let’s call it a “private session”. We finally finish with Curtis Yarvin, the tech bro who could use a neckbeard to help show people where his face begins. Yarvin is a young idiot with money that knew a thing, and thus is expert in all things, and thus deserves all the money. In Curtis’ case, his brainy-evil scheme is to dispose with democracy and install a monarchy. Unfortunately for us, Yarvin is an influential young tech bro idiot. Speaking of, is Nate Silver the Nate most full of crap? Is 450 pages enough for you? Ben Affleck’s new friend, Kathleen “Kick” Kennedy, recounted for Town and Country the day her dad sawed off a whale head and got skull juice all over her family. Nothing weird about that. The DNC had a surprise guest after all: Covid. Still beats Kid Rock. What have you done today to help the Dems win? Don’t forget the local races!

Happy birthday! Welcome to the My Birthday KITM Special hosted by David Waldman and Greg Dworkin. David had a birthday yesterday and Greg had one a few years back but has since abstained. What’s important, as always, is what they brought me today: It’s a close race! But… is it really? There’s a thin line between big wins for Harris and Trump, and since the fabulous Democratic National Convention, pundits are becoming less fearful of crossing the line over to Harris. Kamala’s a boon for Never Trumpers. many of whom will be quite amusing for a few more months before becoming pains in the ass again. We will soon forget, or want to forget, figures such as Gary Cohn calling Donald Trump “shit for brains” … See? You have forgotten Gary Cohn and already confuse him with Mets announcer Gary Cohen, who is totally different... I think. We might get to forget screwballs like Curtis Yarvin, anti-democratic monarchist, and idol to Sofa King weird JD Vonce. Hey, but we still have to win the election. Kamala and Tim are up for it, this week mining the purple and blue veins of red Georgia. They will persevere through, and expect us to persevere through, upcoming presidential and vice-presidential debates. They even expect the Republicans to show up! That’s a little much, considering Donald’s more of an evader than a debater. The Gops don’t even know who to send for the VP debate, after all, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. JD, eyeliner smeared, sobs into his couch cushions, or motorboats them, who can tell? Don’t worry, fact checkers will look into it.

David Waldman watched the DNC last night and might need some more time to recover from all his Democratic exuberance. Greg Dworkin though wasn’t even winded making 5 appearances in a row on KITM, (but it was nice for us.) Greg is back, demure and mindful as always, but with new purpose and joy following the blockbuster Democratic National Convention. Rhode Island didn’t bring the calamari this time, but Georgia brought Lil Jon, and maybe we didn’t get Beyoncé, but we sure got Oprah. Best of all, Gops got Donald Trump, and we got Kamala Harris. As the NYT would say, Kamala got some good reviews, some bad, and now it’s up to the voters, some with a clue, some without. There’s now a chance that Trump might lose. That doesn’t mean he’s finished, unfortunately. JD Clampett-Vonce might be Sofa King weird, but he knows what he likes, and he likes Curtis Yarvin, and Yarvin would love to see democracy die. The company that sent fake Biden robocalls in New Hampshire has been fined $1million. The guy who orchestrated the calls is facing $6million in fines. The fork-bending straitjacket-escaping digital nomad artist who created the AI robocalls spent $1.

David Waldman is back with today’s KITM, which you’d expect, but when have you heard Greg Dworkin so many days in a row? Can the internet take so much amusement and erudition? It’s morning in America. Who would have guessed that patriotism and joy would turn out to be such a popular combination? Ok, Oprah helped, but it couldn’t have happened without All-American Dad, Coach Tim Walz. It’s certainly not weird that Tim would have such an All-American family. And you know what? I thought Bill was terrific. He’s no rising star hot shot like Hillary, but still… All of this puts Kamala Harris right about where she wants to be heading into her acceptance speech tonight. At least it puts her where Republicans don’t want her to be, which is good for a start, and a good place to start picking up a few more points real soon. You won’t find a more lunatic pillow mogul than Mike Lindell, but this week you can refuse to accept cheap imitations! Mike, cleverly disguised as Roger Stone, successfully infiltrated the DNC, only to be spotted by alert pre-teen influencer Knowa De Brasco, who kicked Lindell in the shins for a while before realizing that Mr. Pillow was filled with more crap than foam rubber. Mike tried to insanesplain to the young man with his usual Gish Gallop, but Knowa ran out of pity and walked away. Meanwhile, uncommitted pro-Palestinian delegates signal that they would fully support the Harris ticket ,but so far have not signaled that they would behave themselves if they were allowed on stage.

Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin address the question pressing upon our national political zeitgeist: “Turn down for what?” Greg’s Raft O’ Stories looks more like a Mardi Gras float this morning, with all of the hopes and joys and enthusiasms in perfect array. Democrats understand the assignment which is, support the ticket, make America safe for snark… and have fun out there. JD Clampett-Vonce figures all of those smiles must have been A.I.’d on. Hulk Hogan will slap them back off for you. Donald Trump is getting sick of slumming around with all of these basement dwellers, while MAGA… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. They want all of this election nonsense to go away so they can just take over and move on to more interesting violations of national and international law.

USA! USA! USA! David Waldman welcomes special guest Joan McCarter and surprise special guest Greg Dworkin, for a patriotic Tuesday KITM. This is what democracy looks like! Day 1 of the DNC, and the bench was so deep that they had to bump James Taylor from the lineup because of all of the sustained applause for the speakers and laughter at Donald Trump’s expense. Jamie Raskin looked great out there, making certain there wasn’t any January 6 amnesia. UAW’s Shawn Fain was best dressed, and pointed out that Trump doesn’t just look like a scab, he actually is one. Michigan State Senator Mallory McMorrow threw the book at Trump and the project to which he is a pet, Project 2025. U.S. men’s basketball team gold medal winning coach Steve Kerr put Donald to bed. Then there were the breakout stars like Raphael Warnock and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… You’ll be hearing a lot from those kids in the future! Then, there was Hillary Clinton, swoon! Hillary gave us a clear example of what could have been while telling us what can be in her barn burning (Fact: No barns were actually “burnt”) … stem-winding (Fact: Few stems had been proven “wound”) ... speech free of the petty punditry that previously dogged (Fact: No dogs participated) ... her in the past. Well, at least the media can’t get away with that crap anymore. And then... there was President Joe Biden! Joe got his speech out early to give Donald Trump time for his 2 AM posts. If you didn’t see some or any of the above, don’t worry. It will all be clipped and memed for your future enjoyment. Eventually we will find out who's is bigger, a competition Donald Trump has never won once in his life. 79% of all Nates are 90% full of crap. Trump will probably be forced to carry JD Vance to term, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still contemplating a back-alley Youngkin at this late date. Of course, Trump could be putting off replacing Vance until after his overthrow of the United States.

How was your weekend? David Waldman dropped a kid off at college last year, but he found his way home, so David spent his weekend taking him back, while Greg Dworkin was forced to tie down his Raft O’ Stories before it floated away over the last few days of his local weather. A flood of joy will lift the attendees of the Democratic National Convention, where Dems will happily array themselves this week. It’ll be fun, and factual! Donald Trump floods Truth Social with A.I. BS., and enough racism to overflow into X. Sofa King weird JD Vonce flooded MAGA specimen cups with… ewwww! Let’s change the subject. How about that polling, huh? Is Washington's primary a harbinger of the election? Meanwhile, House Gops dropped their impeachment report on Biden, quickly pivoting over to Tim Walz before anyone could accuse them of wisdom. Tim Walz irritates MAGA by being white, male, a veteran and a football coach while refusing to be weird, corrupt, or own stocks. What does Team Trump plan to do in the face of all of these glad tidings? The same as they have always planned to do, destroy democracy. Trump has been moving to hijack the elections in Georgia now for years, by allowing locally planted election officials to stop the elections in their area, and thus the national election, based on a whim.